two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

HELP! HELP! CODE GAY. April 8, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 4:16 pm

I know that others have posted this request, I believe to no avail. But I will try again. Our KD is searching for info and support for him and his wife, to normalize their feelings, to help them discuss and distill the important issues. They have “Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates,” but this book is not from the donors perspective.

As more and more families are created this way, I become more and more frustrated by the lack of information and support. Must I write a book myself?? I’m seriously thinking about it.

Why oh why doesn’t a book or even a friggin article exist?

Where can KD and The Wife go for support? Any help would be so appreciated. It may even influence their decision.

If anyone has written an article or even a few pages about this, or even if your story (including the donor perspective and feelings both the scary, doubtful and the altruistic happy ones) is written down somewhere…point me to it! Email it to me!

I think The Wife is having fears and what about our babies, and will we be too close, this freaks me out, what will our kids call their kids, OMG someone else will use my husband’s sperm kind of feelings. I am assuming this, or course, because it is how I would feel. I think they need to know this is normal, and I think they need to hear other people’s stories, not just the good parts, but the whole process. How are donors and their partners okay with this crazy stuff? How is it difficult, scary, wonderful? This need not come from a KD, but at least include some of KD/KD’s partner’s issues.

KD has been searching online to no avail.

So I ask you, by blogging friends, and lurkers…HELP!!

Really. Thank you.


8 Responses to “HELP! HELP! CODE GAY.”

  1. Sacha Says:

    I don’t have a good answer. Just that we’ve run into this problem too. There’s no role modeling to tell us the right way to go through the KD process. When I first asked DtD I told him we have no examples to work from for this process. He didn’t really believe me, but a few months later he’s telling me there’s no one to tell us how to do this…DUH! I’ve had to work hard to stand back and let him figure things out.

    And I have every intention of writing a book. Yeah, a little late.

  2. Sarah and BB Says:

    We tried to find one too, but to no avail. I really believe there is nothing out there.

    The only thing I could recommend is trying to get a hold of other KD’s and maybe your KD and the other KD’s could communicate back and forth and share some of their experiences.

  3. Cecelia Says:

    There is an Australian book called “Sperm Wars” edited by Heather Grace-Jones (I think) that you might be able to access online. It contains stories from all sorts of perspectives, including donors and their wives, bio and co-mums, hetero and same sex partners. Publisher is ABC books, so maybe their website can help too.

  4. Lo Says:

    Just another voice to say….we fouled out potentially for the same reason. Those of you who have the social skills to have someone offer you their sperm (and not have the spouse nix the deal) really should consider writing books/articles with your KDs. It’s a serious vacuum.
    And/or, KDs need to start blogging.

  5. Anonymous Says:

    Are you 100% sure you want to use a KD? I’ve been lurking on your blog and it just seems like one issue after the other. Does it bother you that he will have a claim to you and your partners child at all?

  6. Em Says:

    Being in a relationship with a male, that we assume has no fertility issues, I have never forced myself to think about needing a donner myself to have my baby… that itself is it’s own issue.

    Your entry is about finding info for the KD and partner of KD

    I wish you luck in finding your info for your known donner.

    Putting myself in a mental space to think about this. I know if one of our good friends, one of my hubbies co-workers or a stranger approached my husband about being a doner,I know I would have emotional issue. If he asked me to seriously consider as he is interested in helping, I would, only because of my respect for him.

    What would even possibly make it OK for me to OK him to donating? hmmm…this is a serious issue.

    My trust in who he is giving this life bearing fluid to. What factors in that trust would take me forever to explain.

    Coming up with a clear plan on our invovment and role in the pregnancy, labour and for after a child is born.

    I couldn’t imagine not being involved like an extended family in the way an aunt or uncle should be.

    I would never expect to have a role of a step parent, but as aunts an uncles, I think I would be comfortable. I would hope that him being a doner, would create a larger family between us and who he donates to. That we would never be shut away from that life that is created that shares his genetics and the genetics of my future children.

    Another thing that would throw me for a loop is whould I be the one “stimulating” him to help him create his donation? Or would he do that himself? Would I even want him to do that without me? Do the people reciving his donation need to know if I was involved? I really don’t know how I would feel.

    My easy answer would be NO WAY

    I would like to think I would think beyond the easy answer.

  7. Calliope Says:

    I found it!
    I was sent a great packet of articles from the National SMC (single Mothers by Choice) group over a year ago & I have been searching for it to share for months.
    Well I found it!
    I will try to find the acticles on line, but if I can’t I will scan & upload to share.

  8. conchita Says:

    search on for “sperm donor” and you’ll find a great series written by a (married) man who donated sperm to a lesbian couple. i used to work for with his wife (carol lloyd) but i am totally blanking on HIS name. he and carol were pregnant with their first child i believe at the same time the woman he helped get pregnant were pregnant, and he wrote a series of essays about the ups and downs and emotions involved with being a known donor. i really wish there was some kind of follow-up chronicling a bit of their relationship but i don’t think anything else was written on the subject. (i don’t know for sure tho, look him up and then maybe do some more googling.)

    i keep popping in here from lord knows where- hope my little reading goose chase helps you out!

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