dosmamas

two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

I Hate Plans Gone Awry. April 3, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 12:02 am

LONG POST WARNING!

I hate unpredictability. Why then, in god’s name are we trying to get pregnant with a known donor? Things may not be irrevocably screwed up. Maybe.

Where do I start?

Earlier in the week:

KD and I exchanged some emails about how I was feeling left out. He encouraged me to talk to him more about it.

Thursday:

KD comes over for his regular Thursday night dinner. We had dinner. Played with LM. Had some delicious popcorn. I told him about the crush, crush crash, and how I had been having a giant relationship with him, without his knowledge. We discussed how this effects the donor relationship, the friendhip between him and S., between me and him. He listened. I was honest. We all hugged. He truly understood my feelings. Good stuff. I asked him if he was having strong feelings about S. the same way I had them about him.

Friday:

Noon: KD and S. have lunch together (at work). He answers the question from last night and tells her that he is not attracted to her, but feels intensely about her in a similar way to how he felt about his wife when he met her.
1pm: I call S. and ask her how lunch was, anything interesting? I am fishing for ‘kd really enjoyed last night, kd is feeling super connected to you, (or something).’ What S. says is the not attracted to but could be if circumstances were different shpeal. Um, yeah.

6pm: S. gets off work, and we talk, and I’m super hurt and mad. She doesn’t get it, so I get extra mad and defensive, which makes S. feel really bad. S. feels overwhelmed that ever time she and KD talk I get hurt feelings. S. has PMS. We both cry. We are supposed to meet KD for a midnight movie in 4 hours and totally don’t have our shit together. Over the next few hours we work it out. We understand. We are mostly good, but I am feeling like KD’s feelings are just too much.

10pm: We meet KD for dinner. We talk. I’m quiet. He tells me what he told S. at lunch (which I appreciate, becuase he is telling me stuff now instead of things going through S.) But I’m feeling really hurt and mad, so I tell him all of my feelings. We hang out. We see the movie. We have a great time. Really super great.

2am: We go take him home and end up at his house. He tells us that The Wife is feeling really emotionally depleted by all of this and is having trouble concentrating on her schoolwork (which needs to be finished in the next month). Apparently she will email me with what she needs from me, which apparently will be for me to be less intense about the whole thing.
Um, OK.
Meanwhile, KD is feeling really sad that I am/was feeling left out. We held hands (he is a VERY emotionally present guy), we talked till the wee hours. We connected. We laughed. We all talked about our dreams. Very intense, and very relieving for me. I felt 100% different when we left. I felt listened to, understood, commiserated with, loved. I felt really truly excited about this donor situation for the first time in a way where I was not being just happy-cloud-nine-everything-is-perfect.

I felt good and safe and happy, whilst feeling the complexity and beauty of the whole situation, of everyone’s feelings.

We go to sleep at 4am which is VERY excitinf because we have a child, and an exciting night ending at 4am while grandma takes care of the baby, well, it never happens.

Saturday:

No email from the wife. S. and I feel increasingly stressed out. KD and S. have coffee together and decide that they need their relationship to be less intense because their partners are feeling hurt and their partners are way more important than anything.
Good.
But KD says again that The Wife will email me. KD is feeling sad (and also he is WAY overworked, with no end in sight in terms of more time off), missing The Wife, she’s feeling freaked out. He’s not supposed to discuss her feelings with us, but we are asking him so he tells us instead of lying (that she is feeling like this is too intense, she can’t concentrate). I’m feeling pretty grumpy at this point becuase he is implying that I am being too intense with her. In truth the Wife and I have been exchanging a ton of emails lately. Really talking about our fears, and being very honest and vulnerable with each other. With. Each. Other. Not me being just being intense with her. At. All. S. and I both talk to him for a bit. He hoes back to work. We go home. We feel like shit. No email at all.

Sunday:

Morning: Email arrives. The email begins with chatty chat. Then she states her need for a period of ’email silence’ (becuase she’s having trouble concentrating and needs a break from donor and pregnancy discussions) followed by a ‘looking forward to seeing you in California’ followed by signing off ‘cheers’. S. is mad, I’m hurt. I was expecting a ‘lets cool things down’ or ‘lets not talk about pregnancy/donor stuff’. Cutting off all contact feels severe, I can’t email her back – to work anything out and agree that slowing down is good (for me too). This feels like it will create a rift. Not good. S. is way more upset than me.

Cutting off all contact? Well, that is absolutely her perogative, but she has to know that it will have a tangible effect on both S. and myself. And I looked over our emails again (for the 3rd time) and feel pretty sure that I was the one doing all the check ins and making sure that we were moving at a good pace/not sharing too much. She was the one signing off ‘love you’ – I did too – and saying “my dear Charlotte, I love your emails so much,” “I look forward to them every day.” I was invited into a immediately deep friendship then cut off with very little explanation or concern. So to feel like she is saying that I need to step down my intensity, is crazy. If she thinks we need to step down ourintensity, that is perfectly reasonable. The way that she is black and white here (“I love this, this is great, don’t worry” to “I want no contact at all right now”) is disconcerting and damages my trust. I, however, being more similar to her also understand how she is feeling (I think), but S. is just plain upset. And there is no way for us to speak with her, so there it is. And now S. is mad at KD (for what he said to us about his feelings about S. – which he admits was a mistake, and because he seems not to see how The Wife is really responsible for her feelings and her own intensity with me and how crappy it is for her to want ’email silence’.)

Afternoon: we go to a one tear old birthday party and are grumpy and poor sports the whole time. We get home and KD emailed us both with “I’m feeling much better today.”
Yippidy- fucking-dee for him.

Evening- S. has to go to work for a few hours and KD will be there and she’s mad and doesn’t know what to say and kinda does not want to deal with it/him at all today. And she can’t just bust out with, hey I’m mad at your wife.

Present moment:

HOLY CRAP, people. Holy. Crap.

It is just SOOOOOOO much that I almost have to laugh. And I can see right now because of my chat program that both of them are on and probably chatting. Why do I care? I should just mind my own business, hope that if she has some space all will be well (she does have a TON of work to do, is far away from her husband, and we are very similar, so she must be obsessing about this like I would be).

Do we empathize? Are we mad? Is this a bad sign, a kink? Do I email her back with OK, or with OK but before we take a break let me tell you some stuff, or just no email at all? How much should S. or I discuss with KD? Is there too much discussing? Too many feelings? Too much honesty? If so can that be remedied with no talking?

Seriously, how f-ed is this?

UPDATE: I’m sittin there with my chat open and she IMs me with “Hi, Happy Sunday” and I’m like WTF?????????????????????? We chatted a bit. She said she’s just overwhelmed and does not want no contact, just not all the time with so much intensity. She felt really distant still, and kinda perky but not really there. Ya know? Anyhoo, S. and I talked to KD a bit later and he reassured us that she is just feeling very overwhelmed and really loves us, etc.

So I guess things are back to normal-ish. Whatever the f*ck that means. Boy oh boy. What a friggin adventure this is.

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5 Responses to “I Hate Plans Gone Awry.”

  1. Lo Says:

    Charlotte, I don’t know how f-ed it is (in my scenario the wife just said “uh-uh that’s MY sperm). It might well be a kink you can move through.
    I just want to say that I am also intense, very intense, and have more than once participated in a relationship that was *mutually* intense and then been accused of “making things too intense” as though I did it all by my frickin’ self.
    I HEAR YOU.
    However, I don’t know that it’s necessarily the end of the KD relationship. I know it would freak me out, but it wouldn’t be a “deal breaker” for me I don’t think….

  2. Calliope Says:

    I think the Wife was just as intense & invested in getting to know you as you were her. But it is her inability to say, “Hey- I need to have one week to do school stuff” that made things weird.
    I think she is just making excuses for herself & her workload. But she certainly didn’t do it in the right way.
    There is a way to say to a friend (that is, at the very least what you two are)that you need to buckle down & do work. She chose a way that makes it your fault that she isn’t concentrating.
    I can already see that ya’ll have worked it out, but you should file this moment away in the “she can twist things the wrong way” box.
    ((hugs))

  3. Trista Says:

    Oh Wow. Wow. What a rollercoaster. What a draining, twisting, crazy-making, what-the-hell-are-we-doing experience. I agree with what Cali said and send you hugs and the virtual girl scout cookies of your choice…

  4. Estelle Says:

    I am so glad we went the frozen route.

  5. M. Says:

    Wow, this makes me glad that everyone in our situation with DtD and BF has been a bit emotionally distant (although I crave more connection normally). There has got to be some balance in all of this, right?

    The Wife definately seems like she had the same level of intensity but it’s probably easier to just blame you, especially since you’re the reason she’s having ANY relationship with you, right? Sounds to me that she’s just freaking out a bit and that it has nothing to do with work, and that she’s not dealing with the freak out very well.

    This known donor stuff can pull so hard at all sides of the relationships. Hugs.


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