I finally told (well, emailed) KD about the left-out-ness. Like an adult!
We had a nice exchange, encouraging each other to de-chicken (be honest, vulnerable, fearless) in our developing friendship. I wanted this, but it felt unsatisfying still.
What is interesting is that nothing can really sate me when I am coming from an insecure place. I think I am still having some fears and left-out-ness about the baby (not being related, etc.), but I have no control over that so I am focusing on whether or not he and I email, or how he said hi to me yesterday.
My goal for the week is to allow some of the core baby feelings space to bubble up if they need to and have some friggin’ trust that my relationship with KD will evolve into something comfortable and good and better than I can imagine now.
In the past I did not feel like I had much choice about how I felt. My emotions became me. Nowadays I have some choices. Like I can choose to put everything KD says or does (and this could apply to anyone) through my “I am not lovable, no one likes me anyway” filter. When I do this it is surprising how small things like length of time to respond to an email, or how one says hello, can turn into “that person clearly hates me”.
Y’all know what I’m talking about.
Your wife or husband says “I love you”
You say “no you don’t ((sob)) you burnt my toast yesterday (sup, sup) clearly you don’t care that I like my toast lightly toasted…you don’t know me at all.”
Well, on a souped up PMS day this may still be my MO, but it is a terrible way to live your life.
F*ck low self esteem.
What fascinates me though is that I can feel this place where I have a choice to use the filter or not. When faced with the choice to shed it I may choose NOT to. Seemingly this makes no sense, but when you spend your whole life acting/feeling/being a certain way it becomes comfortable. And comfortable is hard to give up, even if it feels like shit.