two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

Filters March 27, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 7:32 am

I finally told (well, emailed) KD about the left-out-ness. Like an adult!

We had a nice exchange, encouraging each other to de-chicken (be honest, vulnerable, fearless) in our developing friendship. I wanted this, but it felt unsatisfying still.

What is interesting is that nothing can really sate me when I am coming from an insecure place. I think I am still having some fears and left-out-ness about the baby (not being related, etc.), but I have no control over that so I am focusing on whether or not he and I email, or how he said hi to me yesterday.

My goal for the week is to allow some of the core baby feelings space to bubble up if they need to and have some friggin’ trust that my relationship with KD will evolve into something comfortable and good and better than I can imagine now.

In the past I did not feel like I had much choice about how I felt. My emotions became me. Nowadays I have some choices. Like I can choose to put everything KD says or does (and this could apply to anyone) through my “I am not lovable, no one likes me anyway” filter. When I do this it is surprising how small things like length of time to respond to an email, or how one says hello, can turn into “that person clearly hates me”.

Y’all know what I’m talking about.
Your wife or husband says “I love you”
You say “no you don’t ((sob)) you burnt my toast yesterday (sup, sup) clearly you don’t care that I like my toast lightly toasted…you don’t know me at all.”

Well, on a souped up PMS day this may still be my MO, but it is a terrible way to live your life.

F*ck low self esteem.

What fascinates me though is that I can feel this place where I have a choice to use the filter or not. When faced with the choice to shed it I may choose NOT to. Seemingly this makes no sense, but when you spend your whole life acting/feeling/being a certain way it becomes comfortable. And comfortable is hard to give up, even if it feels like shit.


5 Responses to “Filters”

  1. Calliope Says:

    One of the (many) fabulous things about you is how beautifuly honest you are. I am so proud of you for sharing your feelings with KD.
    Have you ever done one of those Myers Briggs tests? I think we may be the same b/c I always think, “me too” when you are discussing what is going on in your head space.

  2. Trista Says:

    I, too, respect how honest you are. I think that’s wonderful. It seems like such a scary place to use a known donor sometimes, there’s so much trust that needs to be invested, so many feelings and hopes and fears. The way you’re feeling is so completely understandable and I think the way you’re handling it and approaching the situation is remarkable.

  3. Lo Says:

    We didn’t turn out the same Myers Briggs (You’re an E and I’m an I) but oh boy, did you just describe my brain, yet again. I know *exactly* what you mean about being aware of the filter….yet sometimes I still feel helpless to *stop.* Working on it… (But not with someone who is going to be genetically connected to my offspring. Kudos to you…)

  4. M. Says:

    Wow, I’m impressed you got up the courage to talk to KD. I feel like even having a discussion like that with DtD would be too much closeness right now. Silly huh? How will we get closer if neither of us is vulnerable? But, he can be pretty closed off about things too, so that makes it equally hard. Even he and Sacha have a hard time with the vulnerable stuff.

    I was reading your earlier post with KD and the wife and how you were all teary and you and S. were sharing how thankful you are, etc. Well, we’ve never had a teary moment, and it feels kind of wrong to not have it, because like you said, this is intimate stuff we’re doing together. I was kind of envious that you all got to have that emotional moment that I feel we’re missing. With us it’s all more matter of fact and I wish there was more mushiness.

    I certainly don’t even feel that we’ve seriously thanked DtD for what he’s doing, which feels crappy. I think for Sacha and I we can’t even go there…what in the world would we say to adequately thank him? I’m sure in time we’ll be able to, but now we just can’t find the words. Plus, there’s still the fear stuff on my end that gets in the way too I think.

  5. K77 Says:

    “And comfortable is hard to give up, even if it feels like shit.” Oh yes!

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