two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

Not Popular March 25, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 4:47 am

I was never popular. Ever. I was the too tall dork. I was beautiful, but no one wanted to date me. I had crushes on the female friends I did have. My social skills were not great. Not a pretty picture. So when I feel left out as an adult, it ZOOMS me back to grades 4th through 12th. [In college I came to see that eating alone was cool, that being tall was cool, that people really could love me for me. ]

Anyhoo, as I have blogged about, I have been feeling super left out with KD. I think S. was having some trouble understanding exactly how I felt. I mean she understood, but couldn’t quite put herself in my position (also she is not jealous, possessive or competitive like me – thank the heavens). Finally after many talks, she got it. Really got it. And she was like ‘wow, that sucks – and if the situation was reversed I would want you to talk to him for me.’

Um, yeah. So she did. And he felt really bad, said he likes me a lot, and is thinking of ways that they can make me feel more included. So one would imagine that I would feel better, right?

Clearly one does not know me very well. Before feeling good, I of course have to complain and be miserable and it has to be not good enough. Hah. I am a joy, I tell ya.

I was mad because he did not say those things to me (semi-valid), and because he still doesn’t really “get me” (yeah, but who does besides S.?), and because I am just insecure and pathetic and I need tons of validation all the time.

But then I saw him today and he made a big effort to ask when we would all hang out and was really nice and smiley and adorable. And he made a comment about emailing something to S. then corrected himself and said, I’ll email it to both of you. Small gestures, but I can tell he is trying, and that my feelings are important to him.

I swear that these experiences as an adult really can heal my inner 6th grader if I let them.

If I let it in. If I allow for the possibility that people really do love me, that it is ok to ask for what I need, that it is ok to receive it after I ask for it (it is not then tainted just because I asked for it). Maybe I deserve to be alive and happy, surrounded by people who care about my feelings.

Wait, I take it back. No I mean it.


5 Responses to “Not Popular”

  1. Sacha Says:

    are you an only child? M. is an only child (well, second marriage child with much older sibs) and I think that leaves her feeling left out a lot and also needing a lot of attention.

    None of us will ever shake the damage done to us as children and teenagers.

    I’m glad S. is understanding. Hang in there.

  2. Lo Says:

    Wow, Charlotte. Are you SURE you’re not really me? Are you SURE???

    (I have no idea if it’s birth order related, but in case anyone’s taking a poll, I’m the oldest of two. The youngest is the pretty sweet one that everyone loves. I am the tall one that everyone always thought was two to three years older than I really was.)

  3. marci Says:

    58%, huh? Yeah, I agree we were just being honest!

    And really, a lot of that stuff I have done, but certainly don’t anymore, ya know?

  4. Mama C-ta Says:

    Hey just found your blog via Lola’s Momma. I could really relate to some of the things you are saying about low self esteem and being such a joy 😉

    I’m trying to read through some of your posts now to get a better understanding of everything but I’m glad to have found your blog.

  5. M. Says:

    What…is Sacha talking about me behind my back again? : )

    Well, I guess I DO need a lot of attention, and validation, and love. Ok, LOTS of validation.

    How will we ever escape our inner grade schoolers?

    This situation you write about is so hard too…it really is the same situation we’re in with DtD. I get so upset about the tiniest things, like how when he called the other day to see if we were doing an insem that night and I answered, he didn’t tell me he got the S/A results back. He waited until he came over and then told Sacha the results while I was in the kitchen. Like the results would even mean anything to her….I’M the researcher!

    It’s so hard for me to feel like I’m left out of the closeness they have and like I’m just “all business” with him. Not that we aren’t friends at all, but sometimes I just feel so weird about the whole thing.

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