Today, PKD came over and spent all day with us (1pm to 9pm). We had a great time – we played video games, ordered pizza, S. and him went for a walk together, we watched the Oscars. Overall he is becoming a person to me rather than Mr. McDreamy (shout out to all the Grey’s Anatomy fans out there). I’m feelin‘ more balanced. I am neither crestfallen and heartbroken, nor blissfully in love.
But here come the friendship issues. Left out feelings. Mad feelings. S. and I had a long talk after he left.
In a recent post I discussed feeling left out of PKD and S.’s relationship. A number of folks said that it seemed inappropriate for PKD to request alone time with S. For us, the jury is still out.
On one hand, I think it is reasonable and OK for both of them to want alone time. S. does not have any friends right now really that are just hers, I am the one with all the friends. Granted this has been her choice. But PKD‘s wife is away (so I think he is more lonely), and he and S. have a great connection, love to talk, etc. And S. is enjoying having a close friendship, and wants to have time with him as well (also she does NOT have a sexual crush on him at all). He is not yet our KD (see earlier post) because we still need his wife’s approval (the talk is next week) and to jump through all of the ‘talking it out’ hurdles if he does become our donor. And even when/if he becomes our KD, I think it is reasonable for them to want to continue their friendship. It is also understandable that their relationship may feel too difficult or threatening for me, but that does not mean it is unreasonable for them to want it.
On the other hand, it really hurts my feelings and feels insensitive on his part for him to ask for alone time on a Sunday (really it was more of a mention than an outright asking). And it hurts my feelings that he does not also seem to want to extend himself to being friends with me other than as S.’s family. If he were not our PKD, some of these feelings could have been there for me, as I tend to be on the jealous side, but not nearly as strong.
I think S. is sad that she may loose this friendship, which she truly values, as it exists now. In many ways this is true. The nature of her relationship with him will change forever, in ways we cannot even predict now. And as sensitive and compassionate as he is, I think he has a blind spot here. He is maybe a bit idealistic?? Even though he has given it a great deal of thought, I wonder if he is also a bit idealistic in terms of believing he can just give this ‘gift’ without attachment. S.’s brother really did do that though, no strings attached. Maybe it is just something I am incapable of and therefor have difficulty understanding. Anyway…I digress.
What happens when a friend donates? Sacha and M seem to have worked out a system of including M so that she feels ‘a part of’, and I wonder if we will need to do the same. Yet I want to respect and encourage S.’s friendship, because ultimately if she feels fulfilled in her friendships that is great for our marriage. But with him? This gives us both pause about using him…like does she have to choose between her friendship and using him as our donor? It is not so black and white as this, but there is some choice there. If he becomes our KD, that trumps everything. He will be donor 1st, friend 2nd.
This all feels very fast and unexpected, and my feelings have been off the charts strong, so I don’t really know what to think. I am trying to let all of this pass through me, even though I feel like a vessel of lunacy at times.
We are 1 week and 2 days into this PKD relationship, and the seas are calmer, if not more complicated. At least I am not dying from the pain of my unrequited crush.