Eventually, as with any drug (and during a crush your brain literally pumps you full of all kinds of crazy drugs and hormones) eventually it wears off. For me this happened last night.
We had a great dinner, great time. We have plans to all watch the Oscars together in Sunday. S. drove him home. On her way back she calls and says that he would love to hang out with the family (all of us) on Sunday, but he would also love to just hang with S. for a while.
First of all Sunday is our only day off together. But sadly, the most hurtful part of this scenario is that he doesn’t want to hang out with me. Now, granted, him wanting to hang out with S., and him NOT wanting to hang out with me are entirely different. But it does not feel different. Rationally I can see that this was not a slight against me, not his nice way of saying he just does not like me at all. But barely. Not feelin’ too rational these days.
All of a sudden the reality of the situation came crashing down. down. down.
He does not care if I got a haircut. He does not care what I look like. He does not care if I spent all day cleaning the house. He is never going to confess his secret crush on me. Never. Why? Because he does not have a crush on me. In fact he has friend crush (non sexual) on S. He is her friend. He wants alone time with her.
Eventually when his wife moves out here we will all become couple friends. Blah, blah, blah. He and S. decided that we will have Thursday hang out night. So into the foreseeable future he will be coming over on Thursdays. F-ing great.
I swear I feel like I have been scorned. I’m like hey f-you too, I don’t like you anyway. What’s so great about you? Who cares if you said last night that you want to donate because it is the coolest gift you can give anyone? Who cares that your motivation really isn’t passing on your genes, but helping us have a child we really want? Who cares that you are smart and gorgeous?
And if he thinks I am going to send him my ‘you are a great donor’ letter, he has another thing coming. Poor guy has no idea what a psycho I am. Thank god. Really though, the letter is shelved because it feels to vulnerable to send it now. Right??
I now feel depressed. Seriously. My brain chemistry is all kinds of in shambles.