I was never popular. Ever. I was the too tall dork. I was beautiful, but no one wanted to date me. I had crushes on the female friends I did have. My social skills were not great. Not a pretty picture. So when I feel left out as an adult, it ZOOMS me back to grades 4th through 12th. [In college I came to see that eating alone was cool, that being tall was cool, that people really could love me for me. ]
Anyhoo, as I have blogged about, I have been feeling super left out with KD. I think S. was having some trouble understanding exactly how I felt. I mean she understood, but couldn’t quite put herself in my position (also she is not jealous, possessive or competitive like me – thank the heavens). Finally after many talks, she got it. Really got it. And she was like ‘wow, that sucks – and if the situation was reversed I would want you to talk to him for me.’
Um, yeah. So she did. And he felt really bad, said he likes me a lot, and is thinking of ways that they can make me feel more included. So one would imagine that I would feel better, right?
Clearly one does not know me very well. Before feeling good, I of course have to complain and be miserable and it has to be not good enough. Hah. I am a joy, I tell ya.
I was mad because he did not say those things to me (semi-valid), and because he still doesn’t really “get me” (yeah, but who does besides S.?), and because I am just insecure and pathetic and I need tons of validation all the time.
But then I saw him today and he made a big effort to ask when we would all hang out and was really nice and smiley and adorable. And he made a comment about emailing something to S. then corrected himself and said, I’ll email it to both of you. Small gestures, but I can tell he is trying, and that my feelings are important to him.
I swear that these experiences as an adult really can heal my inner 6th grader if I let them.
If I let it in. If I allow for the possibility that people really do love me, that it is ok to ask for what I need, that it is ok to receive it after I ask for it (it is not then tainted just because I asked for it). Maybe I deserve to be alive and happy, surrounded by people who care about my feelings.
Wait, I take it back. No I mean it.