(First off, this is not the news Calliope is reffering to…the news is that we have a great new KD…see previous posts).
I feel very conflicted about posting this because thus far I have heard no one speak of it. The truth is I have developed a big fat crush on our donor. And it is not a friend crush. It is an actual sexual, he gives me butterflies, I think about him all the time crush. And I don’t get crushes like this. This does not happen to me. Turns out it is not really a crush per se, but we’ll get to that later.
I spent the weekend thinking I had gone mad. Truly. I also spent the weekend feeling like I was a horrible person. Then I spoke to a dear friend of mine, who I can tell anything to, and she suggested that my feelings seem quite normal. Really??? Thank god.
I have come to understand that symbolically he is me. He is my virility, so to speak….my penis because I don’t have one.
I see now that this ‘crush’ ultimately feels metaphorical. My lovely friend pointed out that making babies is sexual. Undeniably. I wonder if I am making myself clear here. I have come to understand that this crush is really not about him at all, but about him as a symbol of me getting S. pregnant. And in some deep part of my brain, baby making is a sexual act.
In a strange way it feels ok to feel this because it happened simultaneously with this ‘right’ feeling about him being our donor. I never for a single instant felt this about any other PKD. Never. I also do not feel threatened in any way about his future relationship with our children. I don’t feel scared about him loving the child. With all the other donors this terrified me, even the fireman. Even with frozen sperm this felt scary, it’s just that the scary was put off for 18 years until his identity was released.
It has always been funny to my therapist that I am so utterly shocked that I actually have an unconscious. I try so hard to always be clear, on top of things, introspective, etc. So when something like this happens that feels totally beyond my control, and at the time makes no sense, I completely freak out. I knew for sure that this issue was my unconscious, my psyche if you will, working out some complex and deep feelings, when I was explaining all of this to S. (thank god BTW that we can speak of such things with ease and trust.) So I am telling her about the sexual nature of this and I burst into tears. All of a sudden I felt overwhelmed with sadness, that I cannot make love to her. I cannot have an orgasm and make her pregnant. I cannot have sex with her to make a baby. I cannot. So I cried. And cried. And cried. I told her I wished that I could. I thought I had dealt with these feelings in a very clear and rational manner. Apparently not.
So here is this beautiful man who can get her pregnant. He will help us have our child, and it feels intimate, and sexual to me somehow. It feels sacred. But thank god I am not a sex crazed, swinger person (not that there is anything wrong with folks who swing, if that’s your thing). I really thought I was a crazy person for a few hours.
Apparently, according to my friend, I should be extra nice to myself, have lots of sex with S. and look at some of the underlying issues that this ‘crush’ tapped into.
So there. The most embarrassing and vulnerable post, ever.