two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

Finally February 22, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 1:36 am

The Fireman is kind. He is loyal, sweet, brave, even tempered. I mean he’s a friggin firefighter. Also, he has the right attitude about donorship. He and his wife love the idea that they are helping lesbians create a family. He has no attachments to being an uncle, and wants to leave any relationship he would have with the child up to us. They asked about how to protect their rights in terms of us suing for child support, etc. (a very good sign). They already have a great son, and the Fireman seems like a great father to him. He is willing to fill out a 20 page questionnaire, and he and his family are in excellent health (grandparents alive in their mid-nineties). And his bisexual, funny, smart wife is on board (obviously, it was her idea).

So what’s the catch, you ask?

He looks NOTHING like me.

Nothing. He’s blonde, blued eyed, shorter than me, fair skinned. And there are zero physical similarities. I have thick lips, his are thin. Our eyebrows are not even the same shape, neither is our face shape, bone structure, or any other feature. And, although he seems smart enough he’s not wry-British-sense-of-humor smart, not A’s in school smart, not – you know – smart smart.

So that’s it. He does not look like me. It feels shallow, but I really want a donor who looks like me. Even if the baby does not look like me. But will that be important once I have a lovable little baby that is mine? Will it matter whether the donor looked like me??

And even though I said that money should not be an important part of our decision, frozen sperm is expensive. And we like the Fireman, but he’s not super good looking, but he is a super duper good person, and has a GREAT personality. But at one point while we were talking I was thinking, EEEEEEEEEW I don’t want to touch your semen. I don’t really want to touch or smell anyone’s semen.

Right now, the frozen sperm seems more appealing…but he’s a FIREMAN. He saves lives for a living, and is strong and healthy and VERY kind and on board with being a great non-attached but available-if-we-want-him-to-be donor.

What the *F* are we supposed to do?


5 Responses to “Finally”

  1. Brooke Says:

    Charlotte – (((hugs))) I don’t really have any advice except to be gentle with yourselves. I can’t imagine being stuck between two choices that offer wildly different pros & cons. I think my gut feeling is that if you’re both not completely on board with this, perhaps it’s not the right choice, but I totally hear you about frozen being $$$. I wish you all the best in making such a big decision. (For the record, I don’t think it’s shallow at all that you are looking for a donor with a resemblance to you – I think it’s only natural for us to wish for visual similarities in creating our families; for some perhaps that need is stronger than others, but I certainly don’t think it’s wrong.)

  2. dlvc Says:

    For what it’s worth, I actually preferred a donor who didn’t look like me. I’ve got red hair and, yes, I’ve always fantasized about having a baby with my red hair…

    But, suppose we had a red haired donor, and ended up with a red headed baby, every time someone said, “Oh she has your hair!” I would know it wasn’t actually my hair that she had.

  3. Lo Says:

    My personal opinion is that those physical similarities are not so superficial. Part of what it represents to you is your ethnic background (I’m not going to dare use a word like race here, oops I just did). I’m an Ashkenazi Jew, and I have some feelings about the sperm around that….which are complicated and which I should probably blog about (though I’ve made snarky comments about it all over the ‘net)…but it is complicated. I come from an unbroken line (at least no one wants to admit it was ever broken) of one ethnic group. It is scary to think about what it means to change all that. I know that’s not your exact issue…I guess what I’m trying to say is, I don’t think your feelings about physical stuff are superficial. I think you should count that as important along with the other issues. And maybe you will decide to use the Fireman anyway. But that feeling counts as much as $ and other stuff. *I* think.

  4. Calliope Says:

    forgive me for what I am about to say…

    trust your gut on this one.

    It kind of seems like you are trying to talk yourself into using the FM. Clearly you want something different. So while this would have been a kick ass thing if he looked like you, well, he doesn’t.

    Big hugs on this b/c I know there is a lot at stake.

  5. charlotte Says:

    Thank so much for all of your comments. YOu are so helpful to us. You have no idea.

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