We have mixed feelings, but are leaving the conversation feeling fairly good. PKD clearly expressed that he is willing to sign whatever legal contract we want him to sign. However, what we say to him, our emotional commintment to him, is just as important to us as what we do legally. And his hopes exceed what the contract states. He hopes to have fairly frequent contact, 2-3 times a year, he hopes for picture updates, he hopes that we will want the child to meet his family some day, he hopes that he will be an uncle to the kid. Yet, he says he is truly ok signing a legal contract which commits us to nothing. I absolutely believe him, yet S. and I fear we will feel guilty, obligated to have more contact with him then is ideal for us.
In other words he is fine that his contact with the child is legally at our discretion, but his ideal is for more.
The core if it is that he will love the child. This is both terrifying and lovely.
He expressed that his ultimate desire is for us to remain open in the future to ‘possibilities’ . He said all the right stuff about us being the parents, etc. But I feel an ache from him, a deep sense of longing for his own children someday. He is very clear that donating to us will not fulfil that. Yet I don’t know how he will separate them. It is a huge leap of faith on our part.
I told him what our ideal donor attitude would be: A man willing to donate to help us have a baby of our own, who is not necessarily attached to a particular relationship with the child, but who remains open to a relationship. Someone who is not going to think of the child as their child in any way. Someone who could also maybe donate to a sperm bank. Someone who can give the sperm, without strings attached, and feel great that their genes are being passed on to a child who will be loved and adored by great parents.
And his honest response was that he feels like he is mostly there, but not all there yet. I appreciate his honesty here.
I guess S. and I need to decide if PKD striving to be there is good enough, or if we need someone who is already there, or if we don’t want to deal with anyone and whether or not they are ‘there‘ thus we use frozen swimmers. Each option has the goods and the bads.