dosmamas

two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

PKD — WHAT DO WE DO??? February 5, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 2:16 am

So PKD finally called. We were out of course, so he left a message, and said he’s really excited about moving forward, and basically that he really wants to do it. And now I am really freaking out because my initial reaction was, oh no. I have not called him this week because S. and I are not positive we want to use him, so we don’t want to bug him to call us back when we have not made up our minds. But we can’t make up our minds without talking to him more.

I am so confused. S. is so confused. We made an appointment w/ a sperm bank, and found a profile there we really like. But we don’t really want to use frozen. The whole idea of 10+ half siblings and a donor he/she can’t meet until he/she is 18 is unappealing. Ok I think I need to do a good ol’ fashioned pro/con list.

PKD:
CONS

  • possibility of weird attachment stuff from child or PKD
  • S. is not “attracted” to him
  • He is not similar to me (he looks a lot like S. in fact)
  • fear of disease transmission (even though we trust him)

PROS

  • PKD can have relationship w/ child and LM (our little monster)
  • PKD want to contribute to college for both LM and child
  • He is smart, funny, kind, successful, good looking
  • Cheaper
  • Child knows genes intimately

FROZEN:
CONS

  • No donor has all my physical/emotional characteristics
  • One donor is a clinical psych grad student/artist (me)
  • 10+ half sibs
  • can’t meet him until 18, if then
  • genes are a big ?
  • expensive

PROS

  • no strings
  • One donor is a clinical psych grad student/artist (me)
  • no diseases
  • donor can have some of my characteristics
  • no scheduling hassles
  • no parenting threat
  • legally a better choice

After having a child I know that soon the pregnancy is over and then you have a child forever…so I am hoping to place less importance on money, convenience, etc. b/c those things will not be important in the long run.

So what is important in the long run???

We are trying to let this be an organic process, allowing it to unfold. But it is HARD.

I think S. and I also feel badly that PKD doesn’t feel perfect to us. I mean of course he isn’t perfect, no one is, but we don’t know it he is the ‘right’ choice.

Do other people’s PKD’s feel really right? Really perfect? Perfect in every way? Did anon frozen sperm seem perfect? I know that nothing is perfect, obviously. But I don’t know how to separate my fear that it doesn’t feel perfect, and my fear that my gut says it just isn’t right.
Ya know?

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9 Responses to “PKD — WHAT DO WE DO???”

  1. eryn Says:

    I read your comment on my blog about this and just now read about your dilemma. I will reply about our KD->Forzen->New KD journey later today…just too busy at work right now…

  2. J Says:

    Just out of curiosity – why does your pkd want to help pay for college educations?

    If this isn’t a brilliant reason, I’d consider it a potential big red flag.

    I talk about our struggles with sperm here

  3. Sophia Says:

    If it were me I would react to the college thing kinda negatively. Money for “upkeep” implies an expectation to do “parenting kind of things” which i don’t want from a KD. That makes them a co-parent not just a KD.

    What are the laws in your state regarding known donors?

    My frozen to fresh story can be found here: http://twonycmoms.blogspot.com/2006/01/from-frozen-to-fresh.html

  4. charlotte Says:

    The college thing doesn’t really bother us! Maybe it should though!!

    PKD feels like he wants to make a contribution to the child’s future, and wants to do the same for our existing son. I was thinking that this was ok, like uncles and aunts and grandparents can contribute to a childs education. It felt like and uncle-ish thing to do not a dad-ish thing to do…but we will reconsider our assumption and talk to him about it to find out more about his reasoning. This was something he asked us about, so we can say no.

    Thanks for the links to your stories.

    The law in our state (CA) regarding KDs is fairly good. We just need to have him give the sperm to a doctor or midwife, who gives it to us and he will legally be only a donor with no rights.

    S and I are going to call him tonight and still don’t know what we are going to say!

  5. Sacha Says:

    When DtD said “yes” my first reaction was “oh my god, what have we done.” I don’t think it’s an indication of something negative. It’s a serious thing in involve another person in this process and it would be wrong not to be daunted.

    As for the college thing, just say “no” if it really makes you uncomfortable. It’s his vision of the future that he’s sharing with you and you can chose to make it part of yours or not.

    I also think that using a known donor is a crazy journey with a lot of emotional ups and downs. You have to watch for danger signals but be careful not to look at everything as a red flag.

    And get a contract. That will make expectations clear. Really was the best thing we did.

  6. Elfin Says:

    When were were ttc with a KD we drew up a contract and I agree with Sacha it was the best thing to do as it made us talk about everyones expectations. It took us several meetings to finalise the contract. Good luck with whatever you decide.

  7. Trista Says:

    Our donor didn’t feel 100% perfect at the very beginning, but through talking everything out and creating the contract he did start feeling absolutely perfect. So, you could enter in negotiations on a contract and see how you feel after the initial shock of change passes. If you’ve been negotiating on a contract and being really honest in dialogue about your feelings and things still don’t feel perfect then I think you should pass.

  8. mermaidgrrrl Says:

    We considered using a KD for many of the Pro’s that you list. We ended up deciding against it for a couple of reasons, one of which we felt he wasn’t entirely honest about his safe sex practices. How could he be having safe sex if he caught chlamydia? For the 2nd time no less! I’m glad now that we are taking the frozen/anonymous route, because that’s what is feeling right for us. It’s a hard decision, but it seems that you guys are doing well at balancing up all aspects of the decisions involved. Best of luck!

  9. Mama2Arden (Dora) Says:

    We used a KD and well, while contractually it was perfect and continues to be so…we regret it for varied reasons we never saw ahead of time!

    I just wrote about it on my blog, I had no idea so many families were out there considering using a KD.


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