two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

The yucky truth about my fears February 2, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 9:57 pm

I need some lesbian help.

None of my straight friends (that’s right we have NO lesbian friends with babies!) can understand my feelings. S. is going to have the baby this time and I AM JEALOUS. I am afraid that I won’t love the baby as much, I am afraid that I will be REALLY sad not to be the ‘booby-mama’ meaning I won’t be breastfeeding.

I know that it is crazy to think I will love the second baby less, especially one that S. (who I love more than life) gives birth to. But there is this weird situation when both of you can give birth. No precedent, really. No reflection in the media. No cultural support.

So help me queer mamas and mamas to be, how are you guys dealing with these issues? I feel like I want to be honest with myself and others about these fears so I can deal with them before the baby comes.


6 Responses to “The yucky truth about my fears”

  1. M. Says:

    I think these are all normal feelings. Did S. feel the same way on round two? Is she excited that it’s her turn now? I’m just jealous that Sacha’s body is pretty normal, mine on the other hand is WHACK! I hope that someday I’ll be able to carry, but sometimes I wonder….

  2. Trista Says:

    well, S is probably having the same fears that you are. I know I have them when I think of giving birth next, and my good friend Summer (Merrilee of Proudprowsers’ partner) worries about the same things too. In fact we also worry that WE will love the babies that come out of our bodies better (even though it doesn’t seem possible to love anything more than we love our children). I suggest you talk with her about it, see if she’s feeling the same way. Perhaps she’d be open to your attempting to lactate again so you can BF the child, too.

    At least you would be able to talk about it and get it out there.

    Whatever you do, don’t beat yourself up over these feelings, I think they’re perfectly natural.

  3. charlotte Says:

    S. and I talk a lot about this, and Trista, we too are afraid that we will love our bio kids more. In our experience now though, one of us doesn’t love our little guy less.

    ANd S. is very excited that it is her turn, but she feels a little guilty that she wants to be pregnant so badly because if I went again it would be easier, cheaper and the kids would have a direct bio-sibling relationship. I reassure her that wanting to be preg is not selfish. There are just so many issues here.

    It really feels good to know that you guys are sharing similar concerns.

  4. Lo Says:

    Co is afraid I am going to love her bio child MORE.
    I want very much to be pregnant, and I would be jealous of Co if I thought I wasn’t going to get the chance (but I am going 2nd).
    It is definitely possible to lactate even if you aren’t giving birth. We have friends who did it. That might help?

  5. dlvc Says:

    My wife is pregnant due in June. I’ll be “going second” a couple years down the line. We noticed that I’m really going to need some space to feel like I’m “really” a mom. I was feeling really crowded by the prospect of being swamped by family visits right away before I’d even gotten a chance to meet the baby. She’ll be a mom right away–but it’s going to take me some time. We’re going to put off the family for a week or so and spend time just us. If I get to *do* parenting things, maybe we’ll be able to get a foothold before we head out into the big world where no one will understand who I am.

  6. charlotte Says:

    S. did need some time to adjust to being a mom and feeling like LM was hers, but it happened more quickly than expected. Once he came our we were both so in love with him, it seemed silly that we had been so afraid of how we would feel when he was born.

    But here we are afraid the second time, again!

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