another negative – well not yet techinically seeing as i’m writing this the night before tomorrow but you bet your ass it will be March 21, 2007

plus, i’m sick.

this isn’t fun. this is a giant disaster.

I had to ask WTF to ask Rocket Man if we can start the process of getting him tested for all manner of crap so that we can do a fresh sperm IUI not next cycle but the following one. They are more than sweet and willing, but I hate to ask. I hate it because if there is going to be burdensome crap to deal with i don’t want to subject anyone else to it. I hate being at the mercy of their generosity. I hate involving anyone else in what has become our own special pregnantless hell. Thank god they are such great people, otherwise it would be totally unbearable. Although, the nicer WTF was to me on the phone today the more I wanted to cry.

On top of THAT shit, in our lovely nation FDA regulations state that sperm banks and doctors cannot perform fresh sperm IUIs with known donors. They can, of course do a fresh sperm IUI if S is fucking a bum on the street, or pedoph*le, or a convicted murderer, but because she is not having sex (aka an “intimate partner”) with Rocket Man, we must perform all manner of tests, see a counselor AND FREEZE and quarantine the sperm.

FREEZE the FRESH sperm, people.

Is that the most heterosexist fucking shit you have ever heard?

There is one exception in our area. Thank fucking god. He is the owner of an alternative sperm bank and he (and his lawyers) believe that Rocket Man and S are, in fact, “intimate partners”. Behind the closed doors of a home, his sperm is put in her stuff. He believes that that constitutes an intimate partnership. How the sperm gets in there is really none of the federal government’s fucking business. They are not the sex police. Therefor, his bank will do the insemination.

Thank you dude. Seriously.

11 dpo March 20, 2007

nothing again, plus S got her “my period is coming” feeling. this feeling is always right.

now we wait for her to bleed. in case you were wondering, my hopeful S no longer doubts this feeling. it is undeniable, clear, and accurate. this is the worst part of the whole wait…when we know it didn’t work but we can’t let go entirely until she gets her period, which might be two days out. what the fuck are we supposed to do?

good times.

10 dpo March 19, 2007

nothing. not like I expect to see anything, but it’s still unpleasant.

9dpo March 19, 2007

Today S finally spoke to her brother and we will get together in a week or so with H and LM for a “family” dinner. Gross. He never called the therapist, so I guess that is on hold until he does. We are trying to let go of our anger and general pissiness towards them…so that we can do some repair work. I figure that I have the rest of my life to feel spiteful towards them for their terrioble behavior, but for now maybe we can try to get along and have some positivity, some relationship present so that when we talk about real stuff we can all survive it.

S will probably start peeing in a cup tomorrow and leaving it for me to test or not. I gotta tell you that if I see any pink line on a pregnancy test ever again I might shit my pants.

released March 16, 2007

You know those moments when something you have been wanting to end just ends without any torment or therapy on your part? This happened to me yesterday.

We went to have tacos at our fav little taco bar. Sitting in the lovely outdoor area was Voldem@rt’s (my ex best friend’s) new best friend who we will call ReplacedMe. She was there with her toddler and her giant 25 week pregnant belly. She is someone I originally really liked and wanted to be friends with. When Voldem@rt and I broke up, I was very sad that I could not be friends with ReplacedMe, because well she was going to, well, replace me. Anyhoo, we run into each other ever so often, and it is awkward. I always think, damn, I do like her and I wish I didn’t and I wish Voldem@rt did not ruin my chance to be friends with her.

So. I’ll spare you the boring details of how awkward it was, but I ended up petting her dog and asked her if she was having a boy or a girl. She is having another boy. I should know better than to open the baby questioning box because then people feel free to ask you questions. Although Voldem@rt and I broke up a year ago, ReplaceMe knows all about our struggles to find a donor because that was happening WELL OVER A FUCKING YEAR AGO, and we were kinda friends then. Anyhoo. She then asks about us having a second baby (as she has before but I always evade the question) and I told her that we were trying but it was not working. I teared up as I said this and felt like a giant asshole for not just saying “it is going fine” or that we were not talking to people about it, or something, anything other than the truth. She said she would keep us in her prayers, which made me completely want to bawl (it was just very heartfelt).

But then. Oh boy. Here it came. She looked right at me and said:

“You know, sometimes you really do just need to relax and let it happen.”

And that was it. I was done. Released.

I wanted to end the post there, with “released” because it is tidy, but I cannot because I need to have a small rant now about that most ridiculous, demeaning, assuming, fucked up comment.

“RELAX”??? Stick it up your ass bitch. You have no idea what we are going through. I would love to fucking relax. Not everyone can get pregnant “by accident” like you. When she told be she was pregnant (unplanned) she shrugged and said “it just happened”.

“LET IT HAPPEN”??? How, I ask, would this work. How, for fuck’s sake can two women “let it happen”. Is she an idiot who does not understand the biology of two chicks having sex?? I felt so demeaned.

This woman has no godly idea how much work I have put into having a baby. How much money, heartache, dashed hope, internet research, journaling, tears, love, marital discord, changing of plans…disappointment. She has no idea what it feels like to not be able to have a baby with one’s partner…to wonder whether money will prevent you from having a child at all. She has no idea what it is like to depend on other people (banks, donors, money, insurance companies, doctors) for the most precious part of life, creating our families. Not only are we depending on there people, the truth is that we are at their MERCY. At their fucking mercy.

Thank you ReplacedMe, for releasing me from any doubt or pining I had over our missed friendship. Readers, please don’t get the impression that I am in a terrible mood over this. Not at all. I just hate that bitch. After she said that I literally felt a little internal click, a “I’m sooooo over you” click. I didn’t even feel mad. I Just thought, oh thank you, thank you for saying that.

But God help me if I have to hear “relax” or “just let it happen” from anyone else ever again.

umm…. March 16, 2007

I am attempting to resurrect some kind of back up plan. I don’t know what this means yet, and S can’t participate because for her sanity she needs to remain hopeful that this try worked for her. I don’t know that I have a whole lot of hope that it will work for her, but in order to maintain some hope I need to know that there is another option, in case. Make sense??!? Thus, I’m going it alone. Looking at sperm banks again. I just need to have a backup plan that feels semi-almost-in-some-smallish-way…decent? Imaginable? Remotely possibly okay? I’ll post more when I figure out what I’m talking about.

Names March 13, 2007

This meme from Trista (from months ago) is a good one.

Find the nearest book.
Name the author & title.
Turn to page 123.
Post sentences 6-8.

My nearest book was B@by N@me Countdown.

I won’t post the names on page 123 because the names on the other pages are soooooooo much better, and by better I mean CRAZY-like.

BTW this is the best baby book ever. No bullshit about what anything means or its Greek origin. Just names. Over 100,000 to be exact. I think it lists all the names logged into the US Social Security system, over a few years, but the book gives no explaination. Just names.

Oh, the glory of the names. Read on my friends.

It is a GREAT party book, because your guest peruse it and find jems like Lovely Mystique, Destephany, and Loveminda.

Or howabout Drewsilla, Ex-Starvia, or Gary Jr.??? GARY JR.???

Mayhaps you would like something a little more along the lines of: Vahola, Tyquila, Fanessa or Gagndeep?????

Some of my favs are abhorrent ‘re-spellings’ of normal names, like “Teighlor”, “Meghyn” or “Stef ‘nie.”

But wait, we have not even approached the terrible combos where you think you are so smartique by naming your child not Jasmine or Mary but “Jasimary”.

Or Babecca? What is that shit? A Rebecca/Barbara combo? Please don’t do it people. Keep it in your pants.

Shortara?

Shunjustice?

Urina????

spermed up? check. March 9, 2007

We feel pretty darn good about the timing this cycle. We got sperm on Tuesday night (yes she did the insem in the car) after the drug deal hand off of the goods (in one WTF’s very distinctive juice glasses which was extra weird), Wednesday night (WTF’s dad was gone so that one was smooth and easy), and last night (hand off was in the upstairs kids bathroom while Grandpa snoozed in the living room).

I don’t know what to say about the hope thing. I am hopeful. I’m also used to it not working. I know, by now, that this is the better part of the TWW for me.

S should be ovulating today. And she’s loaded up. So that is good.

sperm stop March 7, 2007

S went to WTF’s last night for a quicky. A drive by, actually. She drove, she made a phone call and had the goods brought out to her. WTF’s dad is there, you see, so covert action was necessary.

It was a combo drug deal/fast food stop. Our good friend said it reminded her of a drive though at Mcdon@lds, but S sadi no, it was more like A & W (or Sprockets), where the food is delivered to you at your car. Although, Rocket Man was not wearing roller skates, and the juice glass with his stuff was not on a tray.

HIGH today March 6, 2007

I wish.

Well, not really. I was an awful drunk. Actually I have been sober for um…15 years. Yes, last month was 15 years. My god.

Anyway, what I mean is S got a HIGH on the fertility monitor. By the looks of the lines, I think we’ll get a PEAK (an LH surge) tomorrow, and 1st insem is planned for tomorrow night. Is that OK timing? Should S drive 4 hours round trip after work to get some tonight? I don’t want to miss this one, but I don’t want her to get stressed out with days and days of driving.

I also need to share that LM is currently obsessed with mermaids. Holy CUTE. WAY better than Thom@s the Motherfucking Train. I tell you what. He also talks a lot about ballerinas lately, and how they dance on their toes. Oh and ghosts, but I’ll save that for another post.

Every night he wants me to put both his legs into one pant leg of his jammies, so he can pretend to be a mermaid.