Tomorrow’s ultrasound is taking FOREVER, but we went camping this weekend and that was a big distraction. S’s belly is growing, which I pray is a good sign. I think we will have to take LM to the appt, for lack of babysitting, so everything better be okay. I’ll post about it tomorrow night because I doubt we’ll be in to see the doctor before 5pm. Gah.
Oops. My first foray into password protection did not go smoothly. Mainly because I am an idiot. I posted it and then passord protected it, and then my emails were coming from one account and I won’t bore you with more details. It got too confusing for my sad little mommy brain so it is back up. It is just a post that I would not like the person I am writing about to find seeing as she is family, and I really do like her. I also feel like password protecting it makes if appear as if it is going to be an extra interesting post, which it isn’t. Anyway, blah blah, I put it back up for all to see, hopefully not the person I’m writing about.
For next Monday.
Dr. PSS is fitting us in between clients. I’m feeling a little guilty about it, actually. S does not really want to have the ultrasound (she’s concerned about doing so many ultrasounds and how it might effect the baby). I know that ultrasounds are considered “safe” but obstetrics organizations do, in fact, recommend them only when medically necessary, and there have been some rat studies indicating that ultrasounds can be harmful in large doses. My point is that S is not crazy for being concerned, even though it is probably fine.
The truth is, I need to see what is happening in there. We scheduled the nuchal translucency (big ultrasound and blood test combo where they give you statistics for your risk of downs and some trisomies.) for 12w1d, which is 3 weeks from Friday (almost a month!) and I don’t know that I can hang that long for a peek inside.
Next Monday will be 9w4d, and I know that bad shit can happen after that, but for some reason I don’t feel as worried after 10 weeks. The only reason I am worried is that WTF had a miscarriage at 10 1/2 weeks (they found dead baby at 11 1/2 week ultrasound), and we have half the same genetic material as she did. This totally freaks me out.
S mentioned the other day that she has a touch of ultrasoud PTSD. I do too. Too many questionable ultrasounds, the dead baby ultrasound. We no longer go into an ultrasound expecting to be reassured. I don’t know why I want one next week then…I guess I just can’t stand the thought of waiting until 12 weeks only to find out that the baby is dead and has been for three weeks. I truly thought this pregnancy would be more fun. I was afraid that I would be afraid the whole time, but I suppose I thought it would be wrong. That excitement would take over. That despite myself I would enjoy this pregnancy dammit. Instead S feels like shit, we have been sick twice (being sick with a child, and a pregnant wife is fodder for its own post, certainly), and after each ultrasound we hope to be reassured, but instead we get confusing information that is not entirely reassuring. This pregnancy has been scary and long.
So, Monday. Monday is in 5 days.
He is three and so smart and lovely. He had so much fun at his mess.y part, like crazy fun, as you can see. I’m proud that he was the messiest of all, and I am proud of myself for doing a messy party at all. It was the best birthday party many of the kids had ever been to. He was covered in crap after the oobleck (cornstarch and water), dry cornstarch, fingerpaints, glitter glue, bubbles and the piece de resisance, the kiddle pool full of spaghetti.
.
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Pics of my castle cake are coming tomorrow. It was gooood.
I have no time to blog because I am making a cake for my son’s birt.hday party. LM wanted a fairy theme (gotta love that kid) and also wanted to get me.ssy, hence a Mes.sy Fai.ry A.rt Party. I am making a ca.stle cake with fai.ries on it. I’ll post pics this weekend. My little boy is three! More later.
I changed my ticker back to the May 1st due date based on the fact (haha!) that the ultrasound machine popped out the May 1st due date at this “dating” ultrasound! Yay! I know it is silly, but the fact that the machine agreed with our calculations (fuck you pregnancy wheel) was immensely satisfying.
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My faith is fickle. I never know if I can depend on it. I am skeptical, scientific and prone to worry. Lucky me. When I Dr. Go.ogle things I don’t just read random horror stories. I read medical articles and studies. I got myself a bit worked up reading scary shit in medical journals like increased risk for miscarriage, pre-term labor, low birth weight and get this higher risk of stillborn birth. Great. Fucking great.
It appears that the risks depend on some factors, such as maternal age (on the bad side of that one), gestational age (on the bad side of that one, the earlier it is detected the worse the prognosis), size of the hemorrhage (we are on the good side of that one for now), and its location, etc. Apparently they are common and mostly turn out ok. But still. Come on. Can we get some solidly good news?
I am forcing myself to trust Dr. PSS, who also had a SH/VT when she was pregnant with twins a few years ago, and thinks we will be fine. I know that often they absorb.
Many of you had a SH or your friends have, and it seems to have gone well for all or most of them. I am taking that to heart. I am breathing. It is terrifying, though, the hope.
I have to believe this SH will absorb, but the whole thing gives me pause. It gives my poor brain just enough real devastating information to have big doubts, and unfortunately the increased risks are not over after the 1st trimester. Fucking bummer that I am now worrying about pre-term labor and a dead baby at birth. I don’t know how I am going to get around this, but I have to. I cannot spend this whole pregnancy terrified.
I refuse.
I am forcing myself, therefor, to name it. I want an adjective maybe, like Wily, or Clever. Or maybe a cute or yummy object. Crackerjack? Lovely? Or maybe an ordinary name like Joe. But it needs to be gender neutral. But they all suck. I mean Shannon? Tracy? Chris? Hells no. Actually Chris kinda makes me chuckle.
LM is being so adorable about the whole thing. I asked him what we should call the baby while it is growing and he said. “Da-SA, yes, Dasá.” Dasá? Today he said “Mommy, is Mama’s belly going to get big? (yes, honey) When? [pause] I think in a few months.”
LM is talking all the time about the baby’s size, holding two fingers together from both hands and saying “see the space between my fingoes? THAT is how big the baby is.” Or he’ll bring me a tiny chip of crayon and say “Mommyseethis? THIS is how big Mama’s baby is. Yes. It is.”
My faith returns, for him, because the alternative is just too dark.
the healthy baby
the baby measuring 7w4d
the baby with a heartbeat of 158 BPM
the alive baby
our alive baby
But. (you knew there had to be a but, right?) There is a subchorionic hemmorage next to the sac, pushing it in in one part (but it could be a vanishing twin). Dr. PSS said clearly, three times (you know I grilled her) that she is not worried about it as long as S is not bleeding vaginally. And it is not crowding the baby, and it does not seem to be in a bad location, whatever that means. She doesn’t feel the need to see us again until 12 weeks (but she will if we need a scan in 2 weeks). I am trying not to focus on the hemorrhage which has grown from last week. I am trying to believe her. Dr. PSS said that it is likely a ‘vanishing twin’, and there is no way to know, but she thinks it will resolve on its own. The sac shape looked good, no teardrop shape, but it was bulged in in a spot from the hemorrhage/vanishing twin. Dr. PSS also said that sex is fine, and orgasms are fine (the thought of my nauseated, ashen, exhausted S wanting to get it on cracks my shit up). I am soooooo not getting laid for years.
The second she found the baby, I knew it was the right size. I can tell, at this point. It looked big, and there was a heartbeat right away. The average heartbeat for 7w4d is 160 BPM, and baby’s was 158. Crown to Ru.mp length averge for 7w4d is 12-13mm, baby’s average measurement was 12.5 (the three measurements she took were, in fact, 13.9mm, 10.6mm and 13.6mm).
Textbook. Perfect.
Please share H/VT info.
Don’t know what to call it. I’m still scared to give it a name. Even a blog name.
But, can you fucking believe it? An almost textbook ultrasound experience. Lawd knows why we can’t just have a straight up perfect one, but you know, it is us after all. This kid is wily.
Unfortunately she did not give me any of the ultrasound pics that show the H/VT. Please know that I want your honest knowledge and experience with this. I am choosing to believe everything will be okay because I have to (lest I shoot myself), but that will quickly change, I know, after some Dr. Goog.le. So please share the truth. I thought it best to get a positive ‘here is our baby’ post out while I’m still feeling it. Aren’t you proud of me for not completely freaking out (yet)?
**Update: 10 minutes into Dr. Goo.gle and I’m Completely.Freaking.Out.
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