Clarity is here June 29, 2007

No go. Not pregnant. S got her period today…right on time. I will probably do some crying tonight, but for now I feel relieved. This confirms that she did ovulate, and then she got her period 13 days later, which is very normal. Normal is good. And I feel like I will be less scared if it works next time.

She has a midwife appointment in a few hours to check for cysts. If all goes well she’ll walk out with a Clomid prescription which she can start on Sunday, CD3. In other news, I think we reached our deductible for the year, so our assy motherfucking insurance should pay for all of our ultrasounds from here on out. Yay.

I am so ready to be pregnant already. We have some people who are about to try, and I am going to shoot myself if they get pregnant before us. I shouldn’t say that. Because they probably will. I have to just steel myself for it.

same same June 28, 2007

13 DPO, CD 39, same test. Same test as the last week, maybe lighter. I am going to take this as a “you are not pregnant” message. I need to. Because I need to let this one go. I mean what kind of chance did we have anyway? We were not sure she ovulated, her cycle is wonky right now, we insemmed once with less than 1cc late at night on the day we think she ovulated, AND no Clomid. Doesn’t sound promising. But we hoped anyway, and we will continue to a little, until S gets her period, which better be soon.

arg June 27, 2007

There is no way to know right now, right? The line is still faint today, maybe slightly slightly darker, but I have been squinting and peering at these things so much the last few days that I don’t trust myself. And yesterday’s pee was not as concentrated as today’s pee, so it could be a little darker bc of that.

I am tempted to have S take a drugstore HPT, but I don’t think that will help. Last time when the cheapie was super super faint, the drugstore HPT was clearly pinkly there. I’m really afraid that if we get one (or use the digital one we have here) it will show positive just based on the very small amount of HCG S still has in her system. That might be slightly unbearable. We should have used one a few days ago just to see what it showed before a new pregnancy would be detectable, but jesus christ i already dip a lot of sticks in pee, I thought that would tip me over into crazy POAS woman who has pee stick blinkies all over her FF page.

I shouldn’t go buy any more tests right? We are on 12 DPO. Oh the many many joys.

still faint… June 26, 2007

…and probably negative, ultimately. The line today looks fainter than the usual faint. That’s all the news I have.

10 DPO-ish June 25, 2007

S tested this morning as we do every other day, hoping that we get that blankerthanblank HPT. Who thought I would ever wish for that? Anyway, we still don’t have it, but at CD 10 it is starting to fuck with me. The cheapie HPT remains faintly, squintingly positive…as it has for weeks. But as obsessive test checkers know, cheapie tests go through phases.
The whole background is pink at first, then it fades to white. The control line gets darker. The test line goes through a phase around 30 minutes right before it dries, when it gets a kind of evap line, which then dries. So S (who fortunately does not know all the details of HPTs - I don’t want to marry myself you know?) looked at it right at the evap line phase and thought it was more positive than usual. I explained what was happening, but secretly got excited. But now it has dried into a faint faint line (as it always does) that means that her system still has a small small amount of HGC in it…not because she is currently pregnant but because she had a motherfucking miscarriage.

Yesterday was hard. Our good friends who started trying about the time we were about to try with Previous Know Donor and The Wife, have a very adorable and chubby 8 month old. Who is girl. Who they were propping up in her brother’s lap (who is our LMs best friend) at the beach to take pictures. I just about lost it watching him kiss and slightly strangle his sister (ah, the love of a 3 year old). Then later LM was tickling her feet and kissing her, and I was reminded anew how ready he is for a sibling and what a great brother he will be.

I am attempting to believe that it really will happen for us. But for now, it is cycle day 36, and we have a faint positive that is not really positive and somehow it is worse than the blankerthankblank I am used to. I am half hoping it is a darker line tomorrow…but if it is I will be terrified. But it is not. But it could be. But it isn’t. But what if it was? It isn’t.

insurance sucks June 19, 2007

I am in tears today, again, over bills. The shitty dead baby ultrasound was done at the local hospital because my fucking doctor was not in that day. HENCE, I must now pay $500 dollars for the ultrasound. I cannot describe the suckiness of paying out the ass for this procedure.

Also, have I offended anyone? Just checking. Maybe I am just posting boring ass shit lately (I know it is true). And you know what? It’s all I got. In the past I could come up with other than TTC topics, funny asides, and be more writerly about the whole thing. Right now, you got the worst of me. Grumpy. Depressed. Waiting. Boring. It’s all I got. The rest of my creativity and drive is being put to use surviving, playing with LM, and looking at/paying/organizing/spreadsheeting my fucktastic debt. Oh and the pipe that goes to our septic broke. And there was shit. Literally. And then I had to pay out the ass to have it fixed. See??  This is the non-TTC related going on in my life…I should just stay with to the boring stick talk.
Something interesting and non-depressing better happen soon.

more sticks, more waiting June 18, 2007

If an ovulation actually happened, it happened on Friday, the day of the drive through. She had some EWCM, took Robit.ussin and Pr.eSe.ed. All went well. S actually went in to their house for a little bit (even though a RMs godmother was there) rendering it more of a no-table-service-event (you know an order at the bar restaurant) rather than a drive through.
She pees on more sticks every day, it remains confusing and ultimately we are waiting for her period. Today is CD 29. 3DPPO (3 days past possible ovulation).

I truly wish I had some other interesting things to blog about. I have not done a non TTC related post is forever. Ah, well. Thanks for hangin’ in here with me through all of this sad and tedious shit.

It is hard not to have any interesting dates to anticipate. S is still testing faintly positive on the HPTs, and we don’t know if she ovulated, so there is no clear test date coming up. We have no earthly idea when her period will arrive. Surprisingly, this not knowing is almost OK.

I am mildly depressed today, but the regular crying has stopped and the giant pity party has ended.

sticks June 15, 2007

Before begin I want to share that I might be done with my current stage of feeling whiny and sorry for myself. The crying has stopped and I feel more normal. It helps that interesting things are happening with our pee sticks.

Oh, pee sticks. S pees on so many more sticks lately. So far the HPTs have been slowly fading to nothing, as have the OPKs. The Clearblue sticks have had a strong estrogen line with a LH line that is getting fainter. Yesterday’s sticks with first morning urine looked like this:

Cheapie HPT: negative (only squintable faint line)

Cheapie LH: positive (darker than the control)

Clearblue monitor stick: estrogen line was half as light as usual (indicating there is more estrogen than usual which usually registers as a HIGH on the monitor), and LH line was present, not dark like a Peak day, but there, for sure.

This mornings sticks look like this:

Cheapie HPT: negative - same as yesterday

Cheapie LH: medium light line that is way lighter than the control.

Clearblue monitor stick: same as yesterday

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We are thinking that she surged yesterday, but we obviously don’t know if she will ovulate. I think she is going to go to WTF and RM’s house tonight for a drive by, but I am feeling nervous about it. Ultimately I think we both want to do it so we feel like we are doing *something*, and we know it probably won’t work. If the lining isn’t there or she doesn’t ovulate or it is not a plump egg, it just won’t work at all, is our thinking. We won’t be crushed when she gets her period because we are expecting that she needs the Clomid. Well we might still be crushed, but it won’t be harder than if we did not try.

I am definitely feeling more nervous about it than S. She said she will not be more nervous if it works (we get pregnant), than if we waited a cycle, but I think I will be more nervous. Good lord.

cycle #23 June 12, 2007

3 weeks 1 day past miscarriage and I have never been so looking forward to a period, which could still be a month away. So I’m busying myself with lists.

1. put away pregnancy books

2. put away baby clothes

3. put away baby blanket and gifts

4. click “delete all data” on FF pregnancy tracker

5. enter “miscarriage” into chart

6. unsubscribe from “your baby this week emails” (involving clicking a link to “remove this child’s information from your Family Profile”)

7. have a total meltdown

8. load all maternity clothes into a tub and get it out of the fucking house

Check, check and check. Looking forward to cycle #24.

nights are hard June 11, 2007

BTW: at last, finally, S’s HCG is going down. A line is still very much there on both a HPT and an OPK, but it was half as dark a few days ago and even lighter today. Thank fucking god.

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During the day I am often fine, going about my business, going on a few dates with S, overeating, making fancy iced lattes at home, taking care of my little monster, trying to organize my bills and debts into a MASSIVE but highly satisfying yet highly depressing spreadsheet, going to the beach, trying to justify staying at home for two years while amassing the scariest debt known to man, eating cherries, feeling depressed about deadbabies and miscarriage, eeeking out some hope for TTC again, you know…life. But then, nighttime comes and I fall apart. It happens just a little when it gets dark, but I really go to pieces when I get in bed.
The other day I had to do a work thing, and see a pregnant (with twin girls) colleague/friend. Unfortunately I am finding it harder and harder to see or talk to pregnant women. This was thankfully not one of my big issues in the past. Although it was not always easy, I was able to be around my pregnant friends without much pain. I certainly was not in tears afterward.

THINGS HAVE CHANGED. And it SUCKS ASS. I really want to go to the blogs of my pregnant friends without crying. I really want to see my pregnant friends and colleagues without feeling like I must put on a brave face until I get in my car to cry myself home.

I assume that those of you in our IVP understand, but that just makes me love you more and be even more frustrated that I can’t be there for you. Once in a while I still visit you and I kinda squint, to make sure it isn’t something I completely can’t handle, but even through squinting eyes I see the due dates, the tickers, the progression into further trimesters, the great news scans, the cute bellies, and I feel like I’m going to fall apart. I feel left behind. I’m missing out. I was almost in the pregnancy club WITH you all, and instead I’m in the deadbaby club.

I want to be present for your happiness. It hurts me that I’m not. And no matter what I do, I can’t make myself be. I.just.can’t. One of the hardest things for me to realize is that this all feels SO MUCH FUCKING WORSE than before we were pregnant. Something that in the past registered as a 2 on my jealous/feel sorry for myself scale, post miscarriage registers as an 8 or a 10. I never had 10s before.

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I am sharing this because I share everything with you people. And I want so badly to be feeling differently, for you, for me, for everyone.

I want to be moving on faster. I want us to be pregnant. But we are sooooooo not. And I want to join you all. I want to complain about morning sickness (even if S is the one having it) and talk about baby gear and ultrasounds. I want to be a person who is not traumatized going to a movie about babies, I want to be happy and normal.

The truth is I am not doing so hot. This miscarriage is getting harder with time and not easier. I hope the tides turn. I’m trying to be patient with myself, but I am a go-getter and the waiting and sadness followed by more waiting and more sadness is torture. I am starting (maybe mercifully?) to forget what it felt like for S to be pregnant. When will things get better???