I’m a bit of a mess May 31, 2007

I was able to be totally, fully, completely, effortlessly present for WTF on Tuesday. I loved being a part of Baby L’s birth. What an honor. And I needed the redemption, you know? The happy ending.

But then I came back to my life…to no baby, no pregnancy, a messy house, a ticket for driving in the carpool lane during traffic, unpaid bills, a beautiful toddler who missed me and demands attention, a just-barely-recovering-from-miscarriage wife, smelly cat litter, and the realization that we started trying with Rocket Man the same week that WTF did, and she just delivered her baby and we have n.o.t.h.i.n.g. Yes we have our terrific son, but we have no pregnancy and no baby. And I had to work yesterday and it was VERY emotionally draining. So I am currently feeling a little sorry for myself. I was keeping it together fairly well until the cop handed me the carpool ticket yesterday morning. I started crying and couldn’t stop for ten minutes.

Being pregnant and then not pregnant has been REALLY SUCKY. I cannot even go to pregnant blogs right now. I did not feel this way AT ALL, before, when we were trying. But feeling part of it (pregnancy), and then not part of it has left me, unfortunately, feeling like hiding in a hole. So I apologize to those of you with happy news right now. I will join you again at some point, but right now it is just too painful.

None of this takes away from my happy feelings for WTF, or anyone who is pregnant. I’m not even jealous. I just want us to have it too. There is so much disappointment to deal with around loosing our baby, and not having our next kid (if we ever get one) be close in age to LM, or now to WTF’s daughter. I’m feeling slightly devastated despite wanting so badly not to. So there I am. Happy for my friends and slightly devastated at the same time, while trying to cope with my daily demands, bills and caretaking. Oh and I NEED to look for a job, like yesterday. Sometimes I just want to be taken care of. You know?

YAY May 30, 2007

Happy baby. Happy mama. WTF, that is. Go to her site where I guest posted, on her behalf, a bit about my experience of the birth. But believe me I have more to post about. So.much. Last night I fell asleep at 8pm, which has not happened since I was pregnant. I am still utterly exhausted, but I promise to post more tomorrow. Love to you all.

the bleeding May 28, 2007

S started bleeding on Thursday. Red Blood. Major cramping. Us freaking out. Our doctor was not worried, but told S to take it VERY easy. She did and the bleeding has stopped. A second line still shows up on a pregnancy test, pretty clearly. When will the HCG be out of her system? We are day 8 past D&C.

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Tomorrow I will be with WTF, in an operating room, meeting her baby. How fucked up is that in terms of timing? But I have decided that I REFUSE to let my own baby sadness ruin this event. I have been through so much with WTF, and was there to help her deliver a dead baby last year. It is full circle for me to be there to hear a baby come out pink and screaming. And I want to be fully present for that. My baby woes will be put aside for Tuesday. I anticipated this being harder for me than it is but WTF is so entwined with our baby making, and we are generous with each other. I can’t wait to meet this baby that she has worked so hard to bring into the world.

thank you May 25, 2007

THANK YOU. Really and truly one of the saving graces in this disaster has been all of you. I felt the support of all of you holding me up through these past weeks. S was going through the physical miscarriage, I needed to support HER, so I especially I needed support from you.

thankyou thankyou thankyou.

I knew you were there to console me, answer questions, give practical advice, give no advice, and just be there. Within minutes of posting the ultrasound results on Friday, I had comments. You were there. Thank you.

I cannot describe *this*, to someone that does not understand blogging, or the degree to which I know and love many of you, or the silent support I get from those of you who are sharing my journey who I don’t know.

I am afraid it sounds geeky and possibly unintelligible to someone who has not experienced the mutual support that happens here. I cannot imagine how much shittier, complicated, lonely and sad this experience would have been without you all or our close by friends who are supporting us. Buying us dinner. Bringing cookies. Babysitting.

All of you who are my REs and therapists.

The lines between online and close by get blurry though, when people like Trista send you beautiful flowers on the very day you have to go to work and greet your friend and her giant pregnant belly with her giant healthy child growing in it. Then the flowers are there, in all their glory, all week to remind you that you are loved.

All of it truly warms my pessimistic heart.

So thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your comments and emails and phone calls - they were warm blankets laid under me so the cold concrete didn’t feel so cold.

Thank you.

when can we get this party started? May 22, 2007

WHEN CAN WE TRY AGAIN???? We don’t want time to grieve. S is beyond ready. Me too. BTW we are feeling almost OK. S took the day off and we had a lovely day today. I am tempted to question how good we are doing, but I don’t want to scare it off. S feels physically fine today, and emotionally well. I think the idea of trying again is giving us hope. I am almost hopeful. Thank you for all of your support. A post is brewing about the copious gratitude I have for all of you internets.

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Dr. PSS says technically we should wait 2-3 cycles, but if we want to wait for 1 menstrual cycle it is fine with her, as long as S takes really good care of herself. This means that we would wait for her period to come, start Clomid a few days later then try to inseminate during that ovulation.

Although this sounds perfectly reasonable, it also means waiting until JULY. Or even AUGUST if her period comes in 6 weeks, rather than four, which is entirely possible.

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Here is the information I have gathered so far:

1. Everyone who has a miscarriage is lumped into the same category, regardless of how they got pregnant, how old the baby was, and what type of miscarriage they had.

2. The phrase “give your body time to recover” is used A LOT, but is never clarified. Sometimes there is mention that the lining needs to build up, and the hormones need to regulate, and these are the only two reasons that make any sense to me at all. Other reasons like it being hard to know when you will ovulate, not having a LMP (last menstrual period) date by which to monitor the pregnancy, all sound like stupid reasons to wait.

3. S and I are not feeling the need to give ourselves time to grieve. Although this is appropriate for many women, it is not appropriate for us.

4. Our acupuncturist said that many times women are ready to try again the next time they ovulate (before a period) as long as they have a proper lining, and they are strong. She said that S’s pregnancy did not last long enough to deplete S of nutrients, so she can try again whenever she wants to.

5. The home birth midwife called us today (we had an appointment which we canceled yesterday, duh.) Anyway, it was very kind of her to call. I asked what she thought about the timing of trying again. She sees no reason in our case to wait for a period before trying. She only recommends that if the pregnancy is further along when it terminates, if the woman has a lot of blood loss, or is weak or ill (or of course not emotionally ready). She also said that the uterus recovers very quickly.

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I’m not sure what to think. It certainly makes the whole thing more tolerable to think about insemming in 2-3 weeks.  I see no reason based on my research to wait as long as S’s lining looks ok. Doctors used to say wait, but I think REs are leaning towards not waiting anymore because there isn’t any empirical evidence that the next pregnancy is more likely to end. Right? I am still open to what my doctor says, but if she talks vaguely about S’s body needing to “recover” I’ll have trouble heeding her advice.

What do you think ladies? Personal experience? Your friends? Medical info?

“it” May 22, 2007

To answer your questions: yes, I was in the room with S. It was awful, but I turned my chair away from the vacuum machine of death, so I didn’t see anything. Well, not entirely true. Part of the gory details are that I, (yes, me…ME) had to take the “sample” to the hospital pathology department (5 minute drive) because we did this at my doctor’s office and they don’t have a courier or some shit, and it is very time sensitive to get it to the lab right away, and another reason having to do with insurance. Um, yeah. By the time S was done writhing in pain, and had gotten dressed and peed in the bathroom, the front desk didn’t know where “it” was.

I had to tell them that there was mention of keeping it refrigerated, and in fact she found it in the medical stuff FRIDGE. And I saw her take it out. A bloody lump. Not all baby tissue, I know, but still. This seems entirely unnecessary to me, people. It was far away from me, across the room in fact, thank the fucking lord. But still. STILL.

I mean I should not have looked. I should have waited in the hallway. But COME ON woman. I had to ask this receptionist to PLEASE put it in a bag or something. She put it in a weird makeup bag (maybe a medical sample bag for some medication?) stuffed with tissue. The whole event was very unprofessional. Yet, our doctor is impressing us with her smarts and surprisingly healing bedside manner when things are fucked. So we are staying with them. But I think a phone call describing how unpleasant this was is in order. I mean, S and I are not super attached to the cell lump as our baby, but what if we were? As I type this I’m realizing that this incident was a little scarring for me. Tears feel close to the surface. I just don’t need the image, ya know? I dreamt about it last night. Yuck.

Where was I? Ah, yes, the questions. That was my long winded way of saying that yes, I took the, well “it”, in for a chromosomal analysis and something else where they check to make sure it was not a molar pregnancy. I really have no idea what the chromosomal analysis is testing for, how in depth it is, or what it will end up costing us.

I am nervous to find out what was wrong with “it”, and I REALLY don’t want to know the gender. I am going to have our doctor PLASTER our chart with a warning not to share this info with us. Right now S and I are comfortable thinking about it as “it”, not a baby, and the sex will tip that boat. No thank you.

it’s over May 21, 2007

This weekend was surreal, sad, and long. It climaxed yesterday at LM’s best friend’s 3 year old birthday party, pony rides and all, which was thoroughly depressing. S, who is usually not jealous or spiteful joined me for some good old fashioned bitterness and suckitude as as watched ALL of the other families compare their new babies and pregnant bellies. It was just awful.

Today was worse.

We dropped Monster off at a friend’s house this morning, went in for a short consult at 8:45, put two prescription pills (which dialate the cervix) in S’s vajayjay, and waited for our noon appointment. Then she took her other pills and went in.

At least the D&C is over. S took a Xanax and half a Vicodin. And another Vicodin when it was over. The whole thing was shitty. The most painful experience of her life, and that coming from a woman with over ten tattoos, some of which she fell asleep during.

After the *speculum* hurt her, I knew she did not have enough drugs. Honestly. What is wrong with doctors? She prescribed 800mg of ibuprofin and 1 mg of Xanax. The Vocidin was given to us be friends! And it still wasn’t enough. Poor S. After the speculum, shots in her cervix, dilation stuff, and instruments shoved in there culminating in a loud vacuum sucking out the contents of her uterus, I though she was going to pass out. It was truly awful.

Dreadful.

And I am encouraging S to take Vicodin all day, because it seems to be calming her down and making her food taste good. The redemption is that we are starting over. This miscarriage chapter is over. Right? And we move on to more motherfucking waiting.

going in at noon May 21, 2007

for the “procedure”. A D&C in Dr. Poor Social Skill’s office. S has been prescribed 800mg of Ibuprofin and 1mg of Xanax. She already took 2 hoo ha pills which dialate the cervix (at 8:30am this morning), and she’s aldready started bleeding a little. We are considering adding 1 vicodin (which a friend gave us), but our Doc says that might make S too loopy. What do you think?

dead baby May 19, 2007

dead.dead.dead.

no heartbeat.

no growth.

now we must deal with things like manual vacuum aspiration versus scraping it out versus spontaneously bleeding. good lord.

at least, mercifully, it is over.

we got the week-to-live-brain-tumor death (where there is forewarning but lots of torture) instead of the instant-car-crash death (where it is instantaneous but shocking). which one is more dreadful? i think it is a toss up.

if it does not happen by monday morning, our trusty dr. poor social skills will “deal with it,” probably via manual vacuum. S is feeling relieved, NOT pregnant, and ready to move on. i am devastated.

stupid motherfucking hope May 17, 2007

Is there any hope here? I mean 12 days behind at a 7w5d ultrasound??? How could this be recoverable. My research shows that even 7 days behind, with a hard to find heartbeat ends in miscarriage (unless people are wrong about their dates, which we are not). I don’t need hope to survive until tomorrow. I don’t want anything sugar coated. I’m just REALLY wondering, because I don’t feel like I’m being self protective here. I believe it would be a miracle if things turned around, and I’m not willing to believe in a miracle here.

So I’m curious about why any of you have hope. Is it because you just don’t want it to be true, and you are willing to believe in a miracle? And for those of you who are medically inclined?

I am finding no medical reason, in this particular case (given the fact that we KNOW our dates and the ultrasound was 3 days shy of 8 fucking weeks), that we should be very hopeful. There should have been a STRONG measurable heartbeat. There should have been a baby measuring WELL over 3-5mm.

Ug. As Calliope just said to me, I cannot know it is final, and really let go until I get confirmation. I can’t get that today. Torture. I’m afraid that tomorrow won’t be clear either. At least clear and bad is merciful. If S started bleeding on Monday after the ultrasound, and it was all over, it would be a better place than this excruciating waiting without hope. That is a lie because I have maybe like 2% hope. Ultimately I want the hope GONE, so I can move on, but more than anything I want to be totally wrong.wrong.wrong.

I went to message boards (like The Mis.diagnosed Misca.rriage) where people were posting situations like ours. I found that over and over and over they heard stuff like “keep on hoping,” “ultrasounds are not exact,” “sometimes they can’t find a heartbeat until 9 weeks,” “the lord has a plan for you” (eeeeeeew), etc., and in every case the person posted a week or two later that the pregnancy was, in fact, not viable. Why oh why did I go to those sites? Especially if I have no hope like I’m pretending? Someone without hope is not visiting The Mis.diagnosed Misca.rriage. Seriously. I wish I were better at denial. I imagine others in my position channeling their angst into cleaning their house, or going for runs every night, or going camping or some shit. Me? I obsess all day. It is pathetic. And I can’t help it.