butch maternity clothes, etc April 30, 2007

Technically she doesn’t need maternity clothes. Yet. But she’s pooching out a bit. For reals. And her pants are tight and uncomfortable. So we bought her some maternity clothes, rather than buying a size or two up, in the interest of saving money. Kinda. I think we also just wanted to buy some materinty clothes for her. S isn’t a butch, per se, but she never EVER wears skirts, dresses, floral, ruffles or pink. Or anything girly. Most maternity clothes fit into one of those categories. So. We had to get creative. Old N@vy had a few things that worked, and we turned some non maternity clothes into stuff that will work for her for the first two trimesters.

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When she bends over and I see a bit of panel poking out from under her make shift kermit the frog maternity shirt (just a thin extra long t shirt bought after the “test”- putting a ball of clothes under to see if it would stretch the right ways), it just fills me with joy. She’s so adorable. I wondered if I would be jealous, but I’m totally not. I’m just all warm and proud that she’s growing our baby.

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The scheduling continues. But in a good way. S did not like the first appointment I made (for exactly 6 weeks) because she was terrified to be devastated if we couldn’t find a heartbeat, even though it would only be because it was too early. And Dr. Poor Social Skills did not have an appointment the following week, so mow we must wait 2 MORE WEEKS for the scan…on the 14th. Balls.

I gotta tell you, I am really enjoying our new set of problems – rescheduling ultrasounds instead of IUIs.

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I do resent S, currently, due to the irritating (especially to someone who gained 70 lbs while pregnant) fact that she is having cravings for ORGANIC SALAD. What kind of pregnant chick craves lettuce during the first trimester?? And KALE?? And wholesome barley soup?? And friggin assortments of multi-colored VEGETABLES?!? We brought a beautiful cheesecake to a friend’s house the other day and she didn’t have ONE bite. Nothing. Today, in a bold move, she ate a single chocolate chip off of the ginormous cupcake I ate for lunch. Freak.

progesterone irritation April 25, 2007

In more ways than one. Literally, the suppositories irritate the ‘area’. That is why we got the new prescription for the pills, but our insurance won’t cover it without prior authorization. Between getting the authorization and the scrip, S read the pamphlet that comes with the pills. One of the things it said was not to take it during pregnancy. Not kidding!

So she googled it, and there are plenty of credible sites and doctors who recommend NOT taking progestins (the synthetic progesterone in the hoo has and the pills) during pregnancy because they have not been shown to safe to the fetus. WHA?? Who knows what to believe from Dr. Google, but it was absolutely not hippy dippy sources questioning the safety of the synthetic progestins. But we don’t want to stop taking them and induce a miscarriage. Last night there was much freaking out. In the light of day, today, we are both feeling better about the whole thing, but it still freaks S out. I know plenty of folks are delivering healthy babies after taking progesterone. But it makes me distrustful and grumpy that my doctor did not discuss any possible risk. There was no mention that it was controversial. In fact we were told the opposite. That there was NO HARM, that it may not help but that it could not hurt. Grrr.

the mall April 23, 2007

Our washer broke. I spent the morning shopping for a new washer dryer combo with a toddler. Not fun. As a treat for behaving so well with me and the salesman from hell, I took LM to the foodcourt/kiddie play area. Here is what I have learned today: when you have low self esteem, do not go to the food court of a mall and gorge on mini cinnabons while your child gets leprosy from licking a germed up giant plastic clam.

It just makes things worse. And don’t subsequently google leprosy to make sure you are spelling it right (kinda ruins trying to be funny OR feel sorry for yourself when you see pics of people with actual leprosy).

baby showers don’t suck when your wife is pregnant. April 22, 2007

Hallelujah. It’s a miracle. I just got back home after throwing a baby shower for WTF, and it did not suck to see her pregnant (and super hot BTW), it did not suck to see the other ginormous pregnant chick, and finally it did not suck to see the itty bitty mellow baby. 10,005 bricks have been lifted off my shoulders and it is lovely.

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In other news, I am wondering if I am secretly trying to compete with S by growing my own pregnant tummy, one made entirely of fat.

Seriously. I have gained like 10 lbs in the last 2 months and it is all going to my stomach (well, and my ass). But I am truly starting to look pregnant, because the rest of me isn’t fat, and I have bad posture.

Wow. I’m like a creepy chick. Just wait, I’m going to start to feeling ‘the baby’ move. Dude. I’m freaking myself out.

happy to report the happiness (even though I got an asshole anonymous comment which I deleted) April 21, 2007

Happy. Happy about S’s belly pouching out a bit. Happy about her mild nausea. Releived to be feeling how I expected to be feeling. The anonymous bad speller who commented on my last post didn’t even enrage me. Bitches like that are the reason I am afraid to be honest about being a complicated person, but really, eff her. It isn’t even worth taking about cause it was mean and not constructive. Stop reading my blog if you can’t hang bi-atch…go read some rosy blog full of blinkies and positive affirmations. So.not.me. Anyhoo, back to the happiness.

We are not doing a beta, because we are afraid we’ll just obsess over numbers, and it doesn’t seem worth it. I scheduled an ultrasound for 6 weeks (which is in 2 weeks) per Dr. Poor Social Skills’ instructions. YAY.

Some progesterone questions. S HATES the hoo-has, so our doc is switching her to oral tablets, 2 X per day. Any reason not to do this? Her CD21 progesterone was 48, which seems insanely high to me (see? give me a number and I will obsess). Is that normal? From the hoo-has? It better not bean indication of quadruplets.

It feels incredible to do all the things we were holding back on. Baby name books. Pregnancy books. Onesies. And I’m not knocking on wood when I say miscarriage. We just.aren’t.going.there. Thusly, we are telling people, and proceeding as if that is not an going to happen. God help us if it does, we’ll need all the support we can muster.

Happy. Finally.

how it has been April 19, 2007

What a wreck I am. Well, was. Today I began to enjoy S’s pregnancy. Yesterday was hell, and I was too chicken to post about it. I was afraid that everyone would think me an ungrateful asshole, as I was already thinking that of myself.

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Instead of spending yesterday frolicking through fields of wildflowers, daydreaming about our baby to be, I wept. Yes, I *should* have been happy. I know. I really know. I expected to immediately feel happy, and I did the first day. Anything other than elation didn’t even occur to me as a possibility. When our best friends congratulated “us” by hugging and kissing S and almost ignoring me, I got snapped into some unpleasant realities. She’s pregnant. I’m not. I was suddenly very emotional, and not in a good way. I  also worried that my friends in the blogging world did not want to congratulate me. I know our friends who doted all over S and ignored me meant well, they were just excited to see S pregnant. And I know folks in internet land are very happy for us.

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But yesterday I could not see clearly. I mean who gets their wife pregnant and then freaks out and cries all day? And sweet lord, my poor wife. She deserved cards and love notes and foot rubs and my sparkling shiny smile (which she got today, BTW). But my “job” was over. I felt like I didn’t work. Maybe my poor psyche just gave up after all the stress and pain of TTC.

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I felt, and still feel a bit lost. I don’t belong in the TTC world anymore. OK, one might think, then onwards toward the pregnancy club. BUT I’M NOT PREGNANT. I am now part of the club of 3 people, the my-lesbian-wife-is-pregnant-and-I-was-pregnant-last-time club. I don’t belong anywhere. I’m not infertile. I’m not trying to conceive. I’m certainly not pregnant. In my worst self pity moments yesterday I just.felt.left out. Left out of the pregnancy, left out of the biology of our next kid, and left out of this club of trying-to-have-a-baby-and-it-isn’t-working (which no one wants to be a member of anyway) but it is where I met all of you who have become my real, honest friends who I love. I don’t want to be the blog no one wants to go to anymore because it is pasted with pregnancy tickers and ultrasound pictures. I am me. I am still a snarky, pessimistic, wreck. Except now my wife is pregnant.
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I’m terrified to tell you all how unhappy I was, and how scared I remain. Not of a deadbabydisaster (although I’m sure that fear is coming) but of loosing my place in the world. Today, my mother in law came over to babysit LM and brought flowers. She looked right at me and said, “these flowers are for S…(pause)…but congratulations to you too.” Um, thanks.

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Anyway, I’m in a better place today, so my MIL’s comment just stung a little. I am feeling stronger and happier and excited when I look at S, though I still feel a bit lost. I am still recovering from my giant meltdown yesterday and fighting through the lostness so I can enjoy this. Sometimes I am in awe of my ability to protect myself. But you know what was really fucking great? Putting a positive pregnancy test result into Fertil*ty Fri*nd. On chart number fucking 24. It was sweeeeeeet.

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I love you all so very much. Thank you for being here for all of me.

So April 16, 2007

This morning, S peed on a cheapie internet HPT. It was negative. After an hour or so, I checked it again, because, you know, I’m *crazy* (as evidenced HERE). And there was an ever so faintly faint bit of faintness. I already had the pee in a cup (she knows me so well) so I tested again with another cheapie. Nothing. Nothing, that is, in the allotted time. Nothing in 20 minutes. But at 25 minutes, when it was mostly dry, the same faint-squint-under-the-right-light-maybe-it-is-there line appeared. This is the line I have been hoping for. Something to obsess about. Something to take pictures of and post for other insane women to squint at. But in the these 10 months, the HPTs are always, as J says, mocking me with their whiteness.

I called S. I didn’t want to excite her unnecessarily, but I was freaking myself out. I have looked at these fuckers so many times with nothing. I have even tested the same pee 3 times, just to make sure I was not holding the stick in too long, or not long enough. Again, crazy.

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This morning I finally I took some pictures of the tests. And emailed them to Calliope, who happened to be online at that exact moment. She verified that there was something there, but at this point, S had not even seen the tests. I emailed them to her. I called WTF, because even if the tests were negative, she could take that ride with me. Love her. Love her. Love her.

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I was increasingly believing that the tests were positive, but needed confirmation, and I hate getting my hopes up. I called S, told her per WTF, that she was under strict orders not to drink ANYTHING for the rest of the day.

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I picked S up. We went to the drug store. Bought some Answer HPTs. She peed on one.

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PREGNANT.

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Fucking pregnant. This test was undeniably, unequivocally, totally, clearly *pinkly* pregnant.

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When I called to tell WTF, SHE DIDN’T ANSWER HER PHONE. Eventually we got a hold of her (her 5 year old son was on the phone with a friend when I called). That was a satisfying fucking phone call. Fuck. Fucking fuck. Pregnant.

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I must swear, and then swear some more. I have sworn so much over this in the last two years (well August will be two years). Lucky try number 10! I have thought so much about how to make this post. I wanted it to be witty and smart and make everyone cry. I wanted it to be perfect.

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Now that I’m here, I just don’t care about any of that. I just want to tell all of you who have cried with me, been jealous with me, been dashed by KDs with me, had to switch gears with me, stared at blank pregnancy tests with me, lost faith with me, regained faith with me, that we are here. Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant.

Even if it doesn’t stay that way or something goes terribly wrong. Right now, we are 11 DPO, and pregnant. Two pink lines. Not one. Not blank. Pink. A pink line. My love is having our baby.

there is nothing to post yet April 16, 2007

but i will post more later. i have to meet S at work so she can pee on something.

ummmmmmmm April 16, 2007

but wait there’s more

11 DPO April 16, 2007

Only one line on the test, and S feels like her period is coming, which is the sign we have come to trust. So begins the depressingly slow let down while we secretly cling to hope until she bleeds.

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How long must she need to keep on with the progesterone? We will wait until 12 or 13 DPO to really think it didn’t work. But we are not going to get a beta, I don’t think, because we have to pay for it, and it hardly seems worth it.