definitely not pregnant again February 27, 2007

Not much else to say about that.

Snow weekend was lovely and snowy. We got snowed in an extra day. I was supposed to help WTF on Monday all morning and all day, seeing as she had no help and is kinda on bedrest, but I didn’t make it. I feel really badly about it. But what is a gal to do when the road is closed, and then reopens hours and hours later to TONS of traffic, HEAVY snow and 100MPH gusts of wind? It wasn’t going to happen with a toddler in the car. No effing way. But instead of helping them, I ended up being rather unhelpful…they had no babysitter so Rocket Man had to take the day off which was way less than ideal and he is so accommodating with us for the “goods”…ah, well.

Trying to schedule a therapy appointment with UD is going badly. He wants us not to “rush” into anything, and to speak with all the referrals I get. Apparently, the referrals I get might not be good enough, even though you all know what I do for a living. They need to get their own referrals and call them and call mine and speak with all of them before making a decision. Lets not forget that I have connections in this community…that I asked multiple sources for referrals of therapists who are smart, kind and knowledgeable about alternative families. I trust the people giving the referrals. Obviously this is not enough for them. Personally I don’t really care who we pick.

I was feeling just sick after my last IM (Instant Message) with him. Apparently I am “rushing” because I said asked if I should schedule an appointment with the therapist I just spoke with for two weeks from today, just so we have an appointment with someone good, and if someone else, or someone part of his insurance plan crops up we’ll just cancel the appointment. Jesus. So sorry for speeding into that. We have not seen each other (including that they have not seen our son) in more than 2 months, and if we schedule an appointment (and UD and H are ONLY available on Monday or Friday nights) a month or more out then we won’t see them for over 3 months by the time we go to this fucking appointment.

Then I realized that we cannot and should not discuss anything related to this topic, even logistical issues, via email. Ever. So I called UD and we had a short conversation about it. I feel resolved, but for fuck’s sake, he made the conversation quick because he had already arrived at the *gym*. I am totally not clear if that is a correct use of the ” * ” symbol, but whatever. I am so super *over* waiting for people.

I’m going to try to let it go…take some deep breaths and not complain about them anymore.

They are who they are.

The situation is what it is.

I make myself so fucking miserable with my expectations (even though I think they are mostly MORE than reasonable), and my desire for people to change. Why oh why do I continue to refuse to learn this lesson? I must stop with the expectations already. And the wanting to be right? I am incredibly right all the time and so incredibly miserable. I’m about ready, and if you know me in real life you know what this means to my skeptical and very feel-whatever-you-are-feeling self, to break down and watch “The Secret.”

P.S. we both had like 19 lattes this weekend. espresso machines rock.

gay vacay (and still no line at 12 DPO) February 23, 2007

Folks, we are not pregnant. What we are is off to the snow for the weekend to some gay friendly cabins…with my mom and a straight couple and their straight dogs. Whatever. It will be fun-ish. My boy needs to see snow every year, and he has been talking about it for weeks. Off we go then.

It will be a nice distraction I hope. Plus, we are bringing the espresso machine that just arrived today (S’s birthday present). I’ll be making lattes, hot cocoa and mochas all effing weekend. And if S is indeed not pregnant (is this ever going to fucking happen????), she’s having like 5 lattes a day every day. Not joking. Friends, I know about caffeine and fertility…but the woman deserves some espresso.

i had a dream… February 22, 2007

…that we had an unbelievably positive pregnancy test. The test had like five different measurements on it, each showed a second line if you were pregnant. Next to the “test” number one was a faint but absolutely there number one, next to the “test” squiggly line was a second, pink squiggly line and so on. I just couldn’t believe it. I did a cheapie internet test just to be sure. And there was the second line. I have never ever had a dream like this and could not help but assume that it was prophetic.

So I went to the cup of pee that S left on top of the toilet. I held my breath as the pee moved across the window. Only the test line appeared. Nothing.

Fuck pregnancy dreams.

Yes, it is only 11 DPO, but it feels like the slow let down. S is really crampy yesterday and today, and feeling more and more like her period is coming. Fuck. I think our timing was off this time, not impossible kind of off, but enough to give me pause. Inseminating at 10pm on the day of O is certainly not ideal.

I called some therapists this week to begin the process of meeting with UD and H. I doubt that will really lead us to an answer with them anytime soon, but it will be good for our family. I chose to contact a local therapist who is gayer than gay. I certainly don’t want to have to explain this situation to some schmo who will ask stupid questions the whole time and make lame assumptions.

I’m saving the crushing disappointment of not being pregnant until tomorrow morning. Bleck.

negative February 22, 2007

10 DPO test had nary a second line. It is early though.

Dude, this wait feels kinda like the first TWW.

I feel all knotted up inside about it. I think I saved all my doubt, fear, stress, excitement and hope for the last few days leading up to test day (12 DPO). I strongly believe that pregnancies show up by day 12. I really do. I know that people sometimes don’t show up until day 13 or 14, but I think that is very rare, or you ovulated later than you thought you did. If you are using sensitive tests, and you ovulated when you thing you did, you will show up by day 12. Everyone I know did. I don’t think folks are really implanting on day 10. I just don’t. I don’t trust medical science regarding fertility issues. We are so behind, culturally and medically. We know very little about women’s bodies. So how do I think I know any better? I don’t. It is just what I believe based on all the reading I have done, and anecdotal experience. People are + by day 12. Sometime folks with HCG boosters don’t get a darker line until later, but that is entirely different.

So that is the cutoff day for us. If it is not positive by Friday, she isn’t pregnant.

Why rant about this? God knows. I am just irritable and frustrated that I can’t make us pregnant, and I think that I hold onto hope until blood for no reasonable reason.

9 DPO February 20, 2007

Holy. We are 9 DPO already.

WTF really wants us to test tomorrow. She is hopeful and believes, I think, that something might show up tomorrow. S is also hopeful. We all have a ‘feeling’ about this try, but I am not naive enough to think that ‘feelings’ mean pregnancy.

Nonetheless we are all more excited that usual. Yesterday (8DPO) S felt sharp pully cramping, which we think is a good sign. But her boobs are sore today and yesterday, which always happens on those days and is related to the normal estrogen surge that happens midway through the luteal phase, regardless of pregnancy. I just know waaaaaaay to much about this shit. I also think that S will feel more ‘pregnant’ when she actually is pregnant.

We might test tomorrow, we might not.

Is anyone else waiting to test besides forthebyrds? Or is everyone else on a forced break or chosen break?

I am not in a “waiting” group, but I want to obsess with someone about symptoms today. Thankfully I don’t feel like this all the time anymore. The obsession is WAY cranked down.

Oh the other thing. The other thing is that WTF is having a scary scare right now, and I really don’t want to find out we are pregnant on the brink of an impending disaster for them. I just have to choose to believe that we will both be ok.

on the mend February 19, 2007

S had a long talk with het brother today. Things are on the mend. He suggested that all of us meet with a therapist once or twice because we need some help. I think it is a great idea. There is some family shit and some personality shit that is getting in the way of us communicating and I would hate for us to have a strained, fragile relationship with them forever because of donorship issues. I still doubt they will give us a decision anytime soon, but at this point some healing needs to happen. Otherwise my bitterness and anger will just fester.

I am slowly letting go of my anger at them. What S and I realized today is that we are assuming the worst of them and vice versa. Hopefully a counselor can help us sort all of this out…not so that they come to a decision, but so that all of us can understand and empathize with each other. It is all very adult and mentally healthy of us.

We will set up a therapy session in the next 3 weeks. Dude, you better believe I will let you know how it goes.

You might be wondering why we still want an answer from them. Because. Because it is our backup plan. Because even if we don’t use the option it feels so much better for it to be there. Because we still don’t know if S will get pregnant. And if she does, we don’t know if a baby disaster will happen. I am not trying to be negative here, just realistic. We still want a backup plan, and honestly, if she continues to not get pregnant, and they say yes, we would probably switch.

Here is what S and I are focusing on - here is the plan:

We try to envision the baby we are going to get (S sees a dark haired little girl with a bob), and each month we decide what seems like the best way, given the circumstances, to get the baby. This way to focus is on the baby we want and not as much on the means. Whatever uterus seems most appropriate in any given month, goes.

Oh, and I have not forgotten that I used to be funny. The funny will come back. The funny has just been beaten about the head with a sharp stick, but it is not dead. I promise.

i’m glad you’re here! February 18, 2007

hello and welcome to my new blog. update your link right now! i’m not done adding blogs to my blogroll. it is so time consuming to manually add them all in.

i am currently hoping that S and her brother are having a good walk. this is their first face to face talk in months (all the crap with him and H was over the friggin phone and via email).

even if they are still a ‘no’ i am ready for things to be ok between us. life is too short for this shit.

I think I’m going to move my blog. I have wanted t… February 16, 2007

I think I’m going to move my blog. I have wanted to for a long time, and now that it can be done easily, I’m going to move. I’ll tell you where to go soon. We are 4 DPO. Testing (HPT) will happen a week from today. Things feel better than they have in months. We have a lot of little trips and dates to look forward to. I’m taking a supplement for depression that seems to be taking the edge off.

Nothing interesting to report…praise Jesus.

I am so happy not to have a giant drama at the moment. Whether UD and H call S for her upcoming birthday might stir shit up, but for now I’m going to attempt to enjoy feeling half way decent for a change.

timing? February 13, 2007

Insem #7 is done, and we are not sure if the timing was off. S had an almost + OPK on Saturday, so we thought surely she would have a positive one on Sunday. Instead, it looked exactly the same (almost positive) and it did not register a “peak” on the monitor. By 10pm on Sunday (right before insem #1) her surge had totally disappeared. Unusual if her surge had started that morning. Then her temp was high this morning. Higher than it has ever been before ovulation. But she had tons of covers on, was super hot and the 1st time she took her temp it didn’t work (the thermometer was off). So who effing knows. Maybe she ovulated yesterday…in which case timing would was not ideal because the insem was at 10pm. If she ovulated today, timing was perfect. So we begin the waiting. Christ. I almost forgot how sucky the waiting part is. There is nothing to *do*.

On a positive note, Rocket Man is a good looking dude. S and I reported to each other when we got into bed last night that we both spent the evening with WTF and Rocket man thinking about how he really is smart, good looking and funny. And that boy is confident. It really does make the whole thing more exciting, less of a second choice.

Ok, back to the waiting. Maybe we’ll forget about it this month, and just have a nice couple of weeks. Shah.

sinful February 8, 2007

Do any of you secretly plan your “I’m pregnant” post in advance?

I do. It feels almost sinful…how dare I think such a thing. How dare I jinx such a thing.

But once in a while, when none of the pessimistic voices in my head are looking, I dream about this post. Sometimes it is short. Sometimes it is so short that it is just the picture of a postive HPT. Other times it is long and full of thank yous. Todays included a short bit about how I want everone to write a tiny paragraph to me in the comments, so I could have like 30 little reflections of my journey. It just made me cry, so I slapped those luxuriuos thoughts right out of my brain.

Always trying to protect myself. It never works.

S got an almost + OPK this morning. Tomorrow we go to WTF and Rocket Man’s house to “get ready” for a Monday ovulation.