Circles December 31, 2006

We are pretty sure S is not pregnant. Yes, not until the blood comes will we be sure. But we know her body pretty damn well at this point, and it isn’t looking good.

We are in the land of talking in circles. Round and round we go.

What should we do? Does S want to do the dye test? Are we wiling to give up on her getting pregnant? Do we want to rely on others forever (Rocket Man) vs. use S’s brother again who we are already stuck with forever? Full sibling for LM? Both of us getting to be related to the kid? S getting to experience pregnancy?

I don’t want to go again. I will go again. That way we both are related to both kids. We know it works with me. But what if it doesn’t? What if S regrets not being pregnant. The dye test isn’t so bad. Wait, S HATES invasive tests. Why would she put herself through more of this? We can just keep trying without intervention. Wait that is the one option I am vetoing. A fresh IUI next cycle? How far are we willing to go to get her pregnant? What are we willing to give up?

What about how we both get to be related to both kids if I go again.
But what about S not getting to be pregnant?

Round and round. Round and round.

Power Outage December 29, 2006

Two whole days of S’s holiday vacation spent “surviving” in our house trapped, and without power.

A tree fell on the power lines on our road, spilling wires all over the place and blocking the only way out. Each day our good friends came to the other side of the scary tangled mess of limbs and wires to rescue us. We hiked through the mess to meet their car, and enjoy the world of lights and tv before returning.

It feels so good this morning to check my motherf*cking email.

In ttc news: we are 10 DPO with not much hope. Not in a dramatic no hope, miserable way, but in a disconnected way. We have so much riding on this cycle (like it could be her last, like we might start big invasive tests next cycle) that I think we are just burying our heads in the sand.

And we have not temped, I almost forgot to set our fertility monitor (two days late…but it still worked), I have recorded no feelings of crampiness, sore boobs or any other ttc signs on her chart, S has been forgetting her herbs and has given up on the teas.

I don’t know how this is going to go. Whether we will test. Certainly we could today…but more blank tests are too depressing for S. So we wait until New Year day, I suppose, for her period. That sounds so shitty to me. I would rather know earlier. Her current signs and stuff point towards her period coming, though. Maybe I don’t want to know earlier.

Happy Holidays! December 24, 2006

I am having a rare day where I am at peace, happy and feel grateful, all at once. Happy day to me.

S and I decided yesterday that we were going to enjoy ourselves over the next 24 hours. Fuck it. So what if the gifts are not enough. They are. Or the food isn’t good enough. It is. We are refusing to feel not good enough about anything right now, when we have so much to be grateful for. For f*cks sake…we get to do things like this: have LM put carrots out for the reindeer tonight, and watch his face when he sees just the carrot greens left on the deck in the morning. I gave him a gift today…these stupid magnetic rocks in a tiny red bag that cost me $4.95, and told him they were from Santa’s helper, Santa Mouse. He’s been talking about it ALL day. All about Santa Mouse, how small he is and how he’s going to see him today. Life is good.

I wish for you all to feel like enough this holiday season.

I’m boring you to tears… December 21, 2006

I can see from my lack of comments that I have been too bitter or too boring. I can’t help the bitter part, but I can change it up with some more interesting stuff. Well, actually I can’t. I’m too busy. I am a pre-holiday nut job who is sick and dumb.

S and I forgot to order the LM picture calendars for all the grandparents…then we did insem stuff all weekend. Therefor we are 3 days from Christmas and missing gifts for 5 IMPORTANT FAMILY MEMBERS. We are so fucked. In fact we are “Effed in the A” which is my new favorite saying.

Try #6: Complete December 21, 2006

Three insems. Gift of porn was appreciated. I am sick, LM is sick and I am completely exhausted. I was going to leave it there, but I’ll give y’all an update.

S and I discussed, again, the possibility of me having the next baby. It is becoming a more real possiblity, but one we don’t really want. Mostly. Whatever. It is complicated.

Additionally, I am incredibly tired, sick and a bit nauseated today…this makes me even more sure that I don’t ever *want* to go again. I will, but pregnancy, at least for me, was a giant me being very fat with a painful pulled groin muscle, eating everything in sight, unable to lie own, sick and exhausted all the time festival of whining and having hormonal meltdowns. I don’t get chicks who feel the running throgh the field of fertile wildflowers bit. It took me a while to not *want* this anymore (seriously, what was I thinking? I don’t do well with pregnancy), but I’m finally here. I would be willing to. Willing.

I don’t know if S or I can give up the possibility of her ever being pregnant or giving birth. It makes me very sad. But we have been thinking lately how lovely it would be to have a full sibling for LM. It is complicated. Messy business, but somehow, miraculously, she and I are on the same page. This page happens to be we don’t know what the f*ck we are going to do, but we are doing it together.

Oh did I mention that S’s period is due on New Years day?

What a lovely New Year’s eve that will be.

Yeah, happy f*cking new year to us…it didn’t work again, chumps.

Oh wait, aren’t the first few days after inseminations supposed to be filled with hope and wonderment?

We’re off December 17, 2006

To WTF and Rocket Man’s house with gifts for the family, and gifts of p*rn. We decided that would be the very best way to say ‘thank you for all your efforts.’

F*cking try number 6, here we come.

WTF is impossible December 14, 2006

Impossible in many ways…one of which is TO SHOP FOR.

Holy crap that woman is hard to buy anything for. First of all she is the most precisely particular friend I have ever had, and she is smart so she always guesses things so you can’t surprise her, and she is relentless once she sets her mind to something.

I always fail when trying to gift her. Always. Literally always. It has become a “thing”.

These are just the most recent failures:

1. This summer:
While she was pregnant with the most recent baby disaster I bought her a beautiful book about the day a baby is born. She gets C-sections so when the book says “and, then, with a push, you slipped out into the dark quiet” I neatly crossed out push and Sharpied in “pull”. So sweet, huh? Definately enough to make a pregnant woman cry. BUT…
She already had the book. Signed by someone else, and I could not return my book because I had defaced it with a Sharpie.

2. Two months ago:
Cool maternity shirt that was not quite her style, but was hip and interesting….looked like shit on her and was just BAD.

3. Last month:
Super cool advent calendar for her kids, by a German toy manufacturer…I had to put the whole thing together, put toys in boxes, assemble it. I transported the entire wobbly f*cking thing to her house. AND…
She already has it, in fact she has one for each kid already. No one I know has one or has ever even heard of these calndars.

4. Present day:
There is this pretend doctor set I have that she covets. She has been asking me about it for a month. Where did I get it, who makes it, etc. I bought it for her already, mind you. Anyway I think maybe she won’t find it (she called the store my mom thought she bought it at 3 times and they don’t have it), or she’ll give up. Silly me! So she calls today and tells me she found and ordered the doctor set! I say “fuck” and she’s like “NO WAY.”

Yes way, WTF. So I tell her to cancel her order, which she does. The surprise is ruined, but I still get to give her the gift and that is what is important, right?

WRONG. I got an email today, not 2 hours after we spoke saying the doctor set I ordered was damaged and they are refunding my money. I ordered it A WEEK AGO.

And poor WTF! Seriously. Her parents and family are the worst gift givers EVER. And she is always disappointed. True, she is hard to shop for, I might even say impossible at this point, but still she deserves some nice gifts. Sometime. Somehow. Somewhere. She is very generous and thoughtful when she gives gifts. Hello???? Sperm. Nuff said.

One time, ONE TIME, I would love to surprise her with a f*cking SURPRISE gift that she loves.

But it is not in the stars, my friend. I reordered it from another store and hopefully it will get it to you by Christmas.

Jesus…and these are just the gift attempts I can remember from the last year.

P.S. She is insiting on getting S and I a gift this year, and I’m like are you crazy, um sperm?! Am I right? I think month after month of sperm, freely given is the most thoughtful generous gift ever and should release her from any further gift obligation to us forever. But whatever. She’s determined and lovely.

Pigtails December 12, 2006

This is my son the day he asked me to put pigtails in his hair. Can you see the pigtails? They are kinda hard to see. There is really nothing I can say about this picture that could do any justice to the utter joy it brings me, on every level.

The Doctor December 12, 2006

The fertility clinic experience was…interesting. They are absolutely the nicest office staff I have even encountered. Here is why I love them:

1. They always end every conversation with: ‘do you have any other questions?’ AND ‘is there anything else I can help you with?’

2. Every person I have interacted with in any way has been helpful and nice

3. They have a team of patient services advisers dedicated to HELPING you figure out what benefits and such you can expect from your insurance. They call your insurance FOR you and then explain everything to you. That is their whole job…to be nice to you and help you figure out how to get maximum benefits from your insurance.

4. The office was marble and beautiful. There was a sculpture. An orchid in the bathroom. Not a single child’s toy (which irritated me, but I thought it was great to spare those-with-no-kids-yet) and not a SINGLE pregnancy magazine to be found. I knew I loved it there when I saw the chocolates fanned out on a glass serving dish. Posh I tell you.

5. They offer mind body wellness programs.

I have no idea how common this stuff is. Are your RE offices like this??

By the way I appreciate the differing opinionss on my previos post. It gave us a lot to think about and was really helpful in formulating our questions and what we wanted from the visit.

Ultimately the doctor we met with was helpful and did not pressure us to go on Clomid, or to do invasive tests. She suggested them. There is a difference. We were not made to feel ridiculous or stupid if we want to wait. But her orientation was definitely *medical*. But, um, she an RE so duh. She did suggest that S do an HSG next cycle if this time does not work. She thinks there is good reason to do it because S had her appendix removed and sometimes that causes tube problems and other issues. She was very honest about the risks.

She was very reasonable about our choices, our timeline, the big picture, distinguishing her suggestions from her recommendations. She was lovely. We were feeling very informed and listened to….then came the insurance question.

After calling and talking to the office staff I was under the impression that she could code this consult NOT under infertility (meaning we would have a $40 copay rather than a $300 fee) but under ‘painful periods’ or ‘diagnostic workup for mysterious girly problems.’

I was wrong. She seemed a bit offended (or something less than offended, maybe uncomfortable?) that I was asking (she actually mentioned her license and ethics and stuff). I appreciate her position, but I am used to doctors being more relaxed. And she was totally reasonable in her response. However, I was not expecting this response.

So I started to get misty eyed. All I could think about was that I finally got S to come here, and this might be our last chance for some VERY unwanted but possibly necessary medical interventions to help us have a baby we wantwantwant so badly and now we will have to pay for it all and we can’t afford it, and we can’t afford $300 right before Christmas….

Then I began to actually well up and THEN my chin started quivering.

At this point S sees that I’m on a one way trip to SOBBING and she mercifully takes the paper with our questions on it and begins to talk to the doctor solo while I begin to cry in earnest, clutching LM on my lap. At this point I realize I must say something because there is no “pulling myself together.”

I explain myself, how overwhelming this all is, how frustrated I am, how much we don’t want any intervention but to not have it as an option because of money really adds insult to injury. I cried through my entire explanation. I cried again, and then again.

The RE was very nice about the whole thing and gave us some alternative places to have the HSG that are less expensive. I might be able to do something about the $300 with my insurance company. The RE is now named Dr. Ethics. But I left feeling depressed and embarrassed.

This is not to say that I regret going. I don’t. I feel like S and I have a lot to talk about, and are coming from an informed place. We were not shamed or made to feel bad in any way. Ultimately her suggestion was to get the dye test if this cycle doesn’t work, and if the cycle after the test doesn’t work, she recommends some IUI’s with or without Clomid depending on the results from some other not so invasive tests (bloodwork, an ultrasound and such) to be performed during the next month. Some of it our OBGYN could do but I REALLY don’t want to go back to Dr. Poor Social Skills ever again. Her midwife was great, but she wasn’t. We can be as aggressive or relaxed as we want with the treatments.

S and I have some decisions to make.

1. How long do we want to continue with natural insems
2. How willing is S to do the HSG
3. How do we feel about doing IUIs with fresh sperm
4. How does money factor into these decisions
5. Does S want to keep going through all this, and do we want to continue spend all this money and time and effort trying to get her pregnant, when I could just go again.

#5 is really the key. There is no easy answer there. The good news is that we are very much a team about this now. No one is polarized. No one is pressuring the other person.

Hey, maybe this next try will just work and we can put this all behind us. I hope so, because even if we are not at odds with each other, the decision to move forward with interventions, or to stop, feels gut wrenching. S and I need to have a dinner date (you know *alone* and outside of our normal environment) conversation about this stuff.

I am a total mess today. My friend was going to come over for an hour or two, and when I called to see when she was coming she cancelled. I had to quickly get off the phone so I could BAWL some more.

So I called S and WTF and cried to them a bit more.

What do y’all think about what Dr. Ethics said? About our next steps? About how complicated it is to have a two uteri household?

RE Appointment December 11, 2006

Tomorrow we meet with an RE at a local (well, an hour away) fertility clinic. Holy. I am usually very prepared, and I did fax them about 900 documents, charts, and intake forms last week…but I don’t really know what we are doing there. S does not want invasive stuff right now. I guess we just need to talk to a doctor who specializes in this stuff. I think she should do the dye test, but am not pressuring her. A week from now we will start try #6. We are proceeding without any intervention this time, but I guess we’ll make a plan about next month. At this point I’m pessimistic to the point of *knowing* we will need to utilize this plan.

So I ask you internets with and without REs. What should I expect? What should I ask?

What I know so far is that the very nice front desk woman talked with me on my cell phone (you know how irritating that can be) for well over 10 minutes answering all my questions. This is a GIANT plus for me because I ask a lot of questions. They do treat the gays. They are open 364 days a year (closed only on Christmas day). There are 5 or 6 doctors in the practice. This is all they do…no OBGYNs, no cancer, no baby deliveries.

What else do I want to know? I want to know how aggressive are they with drugs and treatments. Are there any other specific questions I should be prepared to ask about the dye tests, and our next steps?

I’m glad we are going, but I don’t want to have to go at all. Ya know?