…what a loving and kind person I am:
This is what I knit for our great-friends-with-a-newborn who lapped us. She is a drummer, and he plays guitar. So it seemed appropriate to knit this. She cried when she saw it. This is actually a crappy picture of it. It rocks.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Nothing to report. Nothing interesting happenening. I am trying not to chart obsess.
We are getting ready to cut a x-mas tree down this weekend. The house must be CLEAN in order for me to bring a tree and decorations into it. LM is SO into Christmas this year.
I am beginning to obsess that when we get pregnant, it will be a boy and I will need to grieve never ever having a daughter. Even though this is torturous, I think it is a good sign because it means I am hopeful that we will have another baby. Does that make sense?
Am I fucked up or what? 
We did 3 inseminations (one on Tuesday night, one Wednesday morning and another that evening).
But then we didn’t have a temp spike on Thursday. We got it on Friday, so maybe we had a Thanksgiving ovulation after all. But no insems on that day. Who knows.
The last insem was on Wednesday night, after they madly packed, put the kids to bed and had a minor tiff about not having something ready for the plane the next morning when the whole family had to get up at the crack of moth*erf*cking dawn to catch an early flight. Thank you Rocket man for being so incredibly cooperative. We should really bring the man some p*rn if this try does not work. I think he deserves some fun when WTF is too nauseous or tired to help (the poor pregnant chick.)
Hanging out at WTF’s house was fun and lovely as usual. She is looking pregnant and cute.
Tomorrow we venture to great-friends-with-new-baby’s house for visit #2. Hopefully this time I will not leave in tears. I am feeling better overall, and the fact that S could be pregnant, even if she isn’t makes it easier to visit. This part of the TWW is usually the easiest, but I realized today that we are only on 2 DPO. Testing day is in 9 days and that seems like forever.
Oh, and I overspent on yarn this weekend. Why? So I can knit stuff for other people’s babies. What am I thinking???
We got a PEAK today, indicating ovulation tomorrow instead of Thanksgiving. Is this a good sign or a bad one?
All I know is that now we will do an insem tonight at 8pm and tomorrow morning at 7am. Yikes. Is this timing ok??? I suppose it doesn’t matter because it is all we can do. S and Rocket Man work today so that is the earliest we can do it.
Tonight we drive to WTF’s house for the night. I’m trying to have some hope join the sad party that has become me.
I probably won’t post for a few days.
Blah. Wish us luck. Have some hope for us please, maybe it will supplement my lack!
One deep gratitude I have is for free sperm from a known donor. Thank f-ing god for that. And thank you WTF and Rocket man.
Insem #5.
Ah, insem number 5, you better fucking work.
Our good good friends had their 2nd baby last night, and it completely wrecked me.
WRECKED ME.
Giant supping. Giant sobbing. Until 1am.
I had been doing rather well with her pregnancy. During the last few months it was a little hard to see her sometimes, but I quickly got over it. Nothing to go to therapy over. Nothing even to blog about really. I think I did once.
So they had the baby girl they wanted. I cried myself to sleep and cried off and on all day. All day poeple. This is VERY unlike me…to TOTALLY loose my shit.
I was dreading going to the hospital to see them, when S reminded me that I would feel better once I saw them, and held the baby.
I can’t even express how wrong she was.
I could barely hold it together in while visiting, and had tears streaming down my face by the time I walked out of the building. It probably didn’t help that the last time I was at this maternity center I was helping Voldem*rt (the name I have given to my former best friend) deliver her baby.
Before I go on and on about my wretched day I need to tell you all that I LOVE THESE PEOPLE. They even had trouble concieving Football Boy (this is their son and LM’s best friend). Two years kind of trouble. I want them to be happy. I want them to have a baby. I don’t want it instead of them, I just want it too.
During the visit Dad (I call him this because sometimes LM calls him this – it is cutecutecute and we find it hysterical) tells us how their other good friends came to visit earlier and how adorable it was for their daughter, same age as Football Boy, to show everyone her 3 month old brother (saying ‘look at my baby’) while Football boy showed everyone his new sister (‘no, look at myyyyyyy baby’). I’m doing a bad job of explaining, but it just sucked ass. I just gulped.
We started trying before they did, in terms of wanting a baby, charting, searching for a donor and saving money, etc. We often joked about how Dad (who works with S) would have a pregnant woman at work and a pregnant woman at home. Now we will have no overlap. And we were lapped. And the lapping is over because she delivered her baby. We are no longer even on the same track. They went to the winners circle and we are sitting in our lame car, all alone, like what just happened?? Now our respective families move into different zones entirely, and she joins ALL THE REST OF HER FRIENDS who have 2nd children already, or one on the way.
So there I was watching our dear friends adore their beautiful baby girl. Watching them enter newborn land.
I am also loosing my friend (kinda) who will now have no time to hang out with me ever.
And believe me, I know that we are lucky to have LM. I feel grateful for that every day. But this is really and truly painful, nonetheless.
Somehow, the fact that they had a girl just pushes the whole thing overboard into sup sup crying for me. Mind you I don’t even cry when we find out we are not pregnant. I think I feel in some fundamental way that because they got what they wanted (Football Boy’s mom and I both REALLY wanted girls next) I am certainly not going to get what I want. The Universe, in my warped fear, only has so many wishes to grant. And I am already so not getting what I wanted.
Saying I wish we were pregnant right now is an angering understatement. I wanted S and I to be delivering our baby six months ago.
We already have a child, so the universe will not deign me fit for that much happiness. We can’t possibly have a baby girl. We won’t get pregnant soon. We will end up with a 5 year age difference, or no baby, or some aweful trajedy. Because we don’t deserve better. Other people do, but not us. I know this is not true, but it feels true.
I know the universe doesn’t work this way.
But today I am not rational. I’m just sad.
Sad and very envious. And bitter. But mostly sad. And I just want to be happy for our friends that we love so much, but when I think about them with their cute girl, sending email announcements, kissing her head, looking at her tiny toes, introducing her to grandparents, trying to grasp the miracle of it all, sitting alone together in their room between nurse visits and feeling that love…that love that is like nothing in the whole world, well, I just want to weep with envy.
1) If somebody said you were like a breakfast cereal, which one would you be and why?
Um…froot loops. Sweet but sharp and crazy.
2) How do you take your coffee/tea?
With tons or cream and sugar like a giant uncool sissy.
3) Your bedroom is on fire. You can only reach in & grab ONE thing. Do you grab your photo album or your journals?
Photos. I’ve had enough of my own emotional ramblings.
4) When I see rich people complain about not having enough money I wish I could push them in a push circle so that everyone else would know that they are assholes.
5) Got porn?
Tons. But from more adventurous years.
6) If I could meet _______ and explain why I _______ I would never ______ again.
I have no idea. I’m too dumb for this one.
7) What is the worst pet name in the history of your family?
Um…we have a cat right now named Baby Kitty. My porn name (the name of your 1st pet and the first street you lived on) is Kitty Pope. That’s a good one.
I would eat a bowl of GIANT TAPIOCA for free, but if you want me to eat a bowl of ARUGULA you’d have to pay me $10.
9) What 80’s tv star would make you giggle like a school girl?
Corey Haim and John Cusack
10) What age was your best and why?
28. I gave birth that year and turned 29 a week later. All my birthdays since are made better by the fact that I have a kid. Having a kid is the only thing I have ever experienced that really does make everything better.
I have nothing to post about. I am a bit depressed and just sick of TTC. Thank you all for reminding me that I shouldn’t freak out about anything being wrong yet. You are right.
It is just a bummer to be charting chart number 18. Apparently I am bringing S down with all my negativity, so I’m going to attempt to Polyanna myself up.
S got the results of her hormone testing back this week. Everything looks normal. I have to say that I kinda wish something was wrong, so we could fix it and move forward knowing she will get pregnant. I know this is ridiculous, but I feel it nonetheless.
Her values were the following (all done on 7 DPO):
Progesterone: 15
Testosterone: 42
Prolactin: 8
FSH: 83
DHEAS: 160
I am posting this because my acupuncturist said everything looks totally normal, but I want to make sure she isn’t missing anything and I trust y’all with all your fancy REs and such.
I’m trying to decide if we should drive (well more specifically if I should convince S to drive) an hour and a half to a fertility clinic and get a more thorough work up. I don’t think our insurance covers anything, but I’m curious if S should have an ultrasound or something. She is very against getting a HSG (the dye test) as she hates all drugs and invasive procedures. She won’t even microwave anything in plastic ever.
Just to recap we have had four failed tries…2 IUIs and 2 fresh tries. Also keep in mind that WTF got pregnant 5 TIMES with this sperm on the first try. In her thirties. 5 TIMES people.
Due to last try’s legthened luteal phase, S’s ovulation got pushed back a few days…
…to Thanksgiving. This is a pain in my ass for two reasons.
1. WTF and Rocket Man are going out of town on Thanksgiving morning.
2. Who wants to ovulate on fucking THANKSGIVING and have no baby to be thankful for at the end of two weeks. Honestly. Maybe if this was back when I was still fairly hopeful I would be thinking what an auspicious day to conceive a baby. No more.
Yeah yeah, I should be thankful for what we already have. S has the day off work. We will probably be able to inseminate even though they are leaving (becuase they are the most fab donor couple ever), it coul work this time, but I feel like it is just another cruel joke. Like her temp staying up an extra day when we are not pregnant, like her temp dipping neatly on 7 DPO when we are not pregnant, like her luteal phase lasting 2 days longer than usual when we are not pregnant. Yeah, ovulating on Thankgiving. GIVE US A FRIGGIN BABY ALREADY.
So.Over.It.
Fuck Thanksgiving.
But I do think that turkey baster jokes will be WAY funnier on this day.
We have 2 vials purchased from the lesbian sperm bank in Berkeley, that we don’t need anymore. The vials have never left the facility, but we own them. I would just like to recover some of our money since the bank does not buy them back. Vials from the bank cost $445, but we would sell them for way less.
Anyone know anyone who wants super duper ID release sperm for a discount???
The donor is great, email me or leave a comment for more info and I’ll provide the donor number so you can look up his statistics on their site. The bank will facilitate the transfer for us, and then you can keep the vials there or have them transferred. Let me know if any of you have questions.
The whole sperm situation keeps being weirder than expected, and always in a new way…Like now I’m going to sell sperm online? Whatever people.
