Feltility Help July 29, 2006

K. All of a sudden I’m freaking out! We will inseminate next Thursday. Thursday, as in 5 days from now. I am so friggin excited and I would love y’alls input about timing.

As you know, last time we used the fresh stuff, so timing was easier. The Sperm Bank literature recommends inseminating the evening of your 1st positive OPK, then again the next morning (12 hours later). We have decided we can only afford one IUI per cycle. So do we do it that night? I don’t even know if our doc will do it at night. What does ‘night’ mean? Or the next morning? Afternoon? Jesus. Why haven’t I been researching this stuff?

Here’s the bodily fluids deal. S’s cycles are fairly regular, mostly 27 days (sometimes 26 or 28). She always has wet mucus the day she ovulates, some months she gets the super great eggwhite on her peak day, once in a while on the day after ovulation. All OPKs have been positive on day 13 regardless of cycle length. I am embarrassed to say that we have only temped one cycle (we thought we would be using fresh sperm, and temping with a kid in bed with you or god forbid waking yourself up before they wake you up at some ungodly hour has just been unpalatable.) Anyhoo.

Question # 1: Do you think it is ok to do only one per cycle?
Question # 2: When should we do the IUI?
Question # 3: Is there anything else we should do this week?

I cannot tell you people how excited we are to finally be asking these types of questions. We are beyond ready. Thank all of you again for all of your support and humor.

P.S. We do plan to start temping tomorrow, and will bust out the trustly speculum so I can check her cervix. But I must tell you dear friends that the last thing I want to do is have anything with her vajayjay. I know, I know, I’m a bad person, but seriously…she is currently recovering from a cold, has copious snot, is whiny from being sick, has a rash on her ass and has PINK EYE.

Sexy stuff.

We have chosen the sperm…kinda July 29, 2006

We have a green light for an August 4th insemination. We have chosen the sperm. We have ordered the sperm.

The funny part is that we ultimately could not, at all, after a billion discussions, reviews with our friends, if our lives depended on it, choose one donor. So we bought 1 vial from each donor. And we still don’t know which one we will use a week from today. It would appear that we will use the other guy the next month if it does not work…and hey it’s frozen sperm - it will not work the 1st time.

I want this to work so badly after all this waiting. I’m trying to steel myself for the 2ww.

The first guy, Tall Guy, looks like me (according to sperm bank staff), and we like him, but he is super skinny and has poor eyesight. How bad is that??

The second guy, dimples, looks like S and nothing like me, but is super good looking and has a GREAT personality. Both are handsome. Both have interesting smart families. Both have a similar amount of familial medical issues.

One looks like me so we want to use him, we like the other guy better so we want to use him. No matter what we try to hypothesize, let go of, list, or prioritize we can’t decide.

Are we some crazy ass lesbians or what?

Folks, it’s all worth it. July 26, 2006

Lat week when S was Leving for work, LM looked at her and said clear as day, “I love you mama.” ANd in the car when her wants us both to sing him a song he says clear as day “Mama-Mommy sing a song.” I mean seriously.

I just want to tell everyone who is trying and does not have one yet, that they are really worth it. Really, really. And yes, some people get them without even trying. But for those of you who are trying so damned hard, I just want to give you some encouragement.

All of it is worth all of it. All of the pain. All of the waiting. All of the tears. All of the jealousy. All of the fighting. All of the frustration.

All of it.

Worth it.

Update July 18, 2006

Still trying to pick a donor. We seem to be overwhelmed by big stuff lately. We may sell our home, I am starting to try to build my practice, and S’s job is changing. TTC just continues to feel overwhelming. We are resigned to the frozen sperm, but not yet excited about it. Partly this is because the donors we want keep being unavailable, or not available for a few months, or are great except for horrible eyesight, with an astigmatism, which S already has. Choosing the right donor is proving very difficult indeed. It is especially hard that we can’t even get attached to one we like.

Everything lately is about detachment, trust and letting go.

F that

Oh, and we murdered a plant yesterday. Said plant was just too big, and needed to go. It was over 8 feet tall. We were slowly killing it by starving it to death, but then we got motivated to make some home changes and just hacked it to bits and moved the pot. Now the space looks empty and the emptiness reminds us our murderous ways.

No sperm in July, but it’s ok July 10, 2006

We could not agree on which frozen sperm to use, so we decided to wait. Hopefully we can make a decision over the next few weeks, and inseminate in early August.

scary pregnancy stuff: stop here if you dont want to read about it. July 6, 2006

Our good friends just found out they may have a Downs baby. And…

I’m off to stay overnight with my friend who just had a miscarriage…at 11 weeks. I’ll spare you the gory details.

This is the same friend who I helped to deliver her dead 22 week old baby in January. Sometimes life gives people more than they should bear.

I can’t say this does not make me feel, well, terrified.

wiiw July 3, 2006

My current freak out is…What If It Works (WIIW). We have had such a complicated road full of so many choices, some we opted out of, some that were opted out of for us. So it feels REALLY scary all of a sudden to think that this frozen IUI might actually work. We are not scared of having another baby, but of how we will have this baby. The other half of the genes.

In February (don’t get me started) we chose two top candidates at the sperm bank. One is available his week and in time for S’s ovulation, one is not. Number one we will call Tall Dude, number two we will call Dimples. We like the physicality of Tall Dude, we like the personality of Dimples. But we cant use Dimples until August, and even then we may not be able to get his goods because the wait list is full (a spot could open up, or not).

Thus, the problem of WIIW. I am assuming that we just need to start our odds process, of course it won’t work right away. However, WIIW? Then we have a baby with half of Tall Guy’s genes. S likes Dimples better.

We were gonna switch back and forth month to month from Tall Guy to Dimples. But who do we start with? And are we mentally prepared to make the switch away from a KD forever, in 5 days?

Oh, also I’m not sure that y’all know that the reason we were so attached to a KD is because our son has a KD.

So now we will have one kid who knows all of his genes, who is related to both of us, and one who, well, won’t and isn’t. It is a lot to let go of.