Friendship May 24, 2006

OK, I am totally straying from the usual topics to discuss friendship. This is due to the fact that I can thin kof nothing else, despite the fact that PKD and The Wife arrive in town today.

Have any of you had a friendship that feels like a love relationship, in terms of drama?

I have a friend, we shall call her Liz, who I totally love and she totally loves me, we were at each others births, we went to school together, we are both therapists, we live in the same town, we have kids the same age. Apparently we are enmeshed. We hurt each others feelings…the way that we are in the world hurts the other person. I am loud and outgoing and have tried in the past to be ‘better’ than her… and I get all the attention (which is painful for her). She is shy and introverted, and pulls away emotionally whenever she feels irritated or mad or hurt (which is my least favorite thing in the world) and can be so exclusive. So I hurt her, and she hurts me just because we exist.

And we have processed the shit out of our relationship over the years, the way couples do. And it has gotten us here. Distant and mad and hurt. The things that should have brought us closer together (having kids at the same time, sharing all our professional interests) have brought us farther apart. Just as she is beginning a new job, I am beginning a new job and we will be competing with each other, unless we decide to believe in abundance and be a team, which is unlikely. We are both only children, and although I would love to blame it all on her (sometimes I do) the truth is that we have both been competitive and petty. And we have old patterns that I can’t seem to break.

So why are we friends?

At this point, I feel like I need to let go of her, but I have been avoiding this at all costs. It harkens me back to 6th grade friendships and high school friendships gone awry. And I am so sad. So sad. I love her and want us to be close and happy and good. But we are not and I am just clinging. I need to let go.

Please tell me that someone out there has had some super difficult friendship issues in their adult life.

PS Has anyone had funky frienship/business stuff happen? And how did you deal with it?

The Interview May 17, 2006

I agreed to be interviewed by Lo. My interview follows. If any of y’all want me to interview you…let me know. Are you chicken? Too scared of the raw and probing questions that would come from a therapist?? Bwahaha.

I’ll try to keep this short and sweet.

1) I/we all know you’re a mom, and a chef. What other hobbies/pastimes are dear to your heart?
Nothing. I am a pathetic loser with no interests. Really. At one point I dabbled in photography, but I have NO extracurricular activities.

2) What would you say is the best part of being a mom for you? The hardest?
The best part is the leg hug. You know the running and slamming into my legs and hugging them, or hiding behind them. Oooooh, and when he says “mommeee”. Jesus, nothing prepares you for that.

Also when LM was born. After a very long labor (36 hours) S helped the midwife put him all warm and slippery on my chest. I still cry every time I think about it. Magic.

The hardest part is that I have no time for myself. And if I am bitchy, or sick, or tired, and I want to watch TV or nap, too bad for me.

3) Of your various ethnicities, is there one you identify with more than another?
I identify most with my Mexican heritage. I feel connected to Mexico in my soul. The food, the colors, the land. I also feel connected to my Jewish family (an ethno-religious ethnicity), but did not grow up with any of the religious practices. I am discovering those in my adult life.

4) What drew you to being a therapist?
My fucked up alcoholic family. I have wanted to be a therapist since I was 12 years old. I was my parent’s marriage counselor and mediator. Not healthy. Really messed up stuff. But because of my past I have a tremendous amount of compassion and a deep understanding of family dynamics. Oh, and I did my own therapy. Never see a therapist who has not seen a therapist. For a long time. Seriously.

5) Do you love where you live? If you could live anywhere else in the world, would you? (And where would it be?)
I love where I live. Today S and I took our son to the farmer’s market. There were hippies playing drums, guitars, didgeridoos and friggin amplified sitars! You have to love it. Additionally there are lots of the gays here

I would not want to live anywhere else for more than a few years. I would spend a few years in Mexico and a few years in New Zealand. I love New Zealand and Australia. S and I honeymooned there.

P.S. If anyone has any other questions for me (really anything) ask away!

We are back… May 17, 2006

I hope that I have not lost all my readers because of my “break.” I’m still here!!! And I will be posting more.

Spell Check?? May 15, 2006

Don’t you love telling the lamest spell check program on the FUCKING PLANET (the blogger one) to “learn” words like fucking, jeebus, and farting.

But of course it never learns.

Can we even call it a spell check??? Does it in fact check the spelling of words? WTF?

And the “replace with” words it comes up with. Holy.Seriously, by farting I don’t mean “partying” or “frothing” or “parading”. Please.

The Readiness of Our Room May 13, 2006

PKD and The Wife are now reunited. And packing. We are two weeks away from their arrival in this fine state.

Then we wait for them to “connect” and talk, and talk to some other donors. Then we get an answer. The we start TTC in earnest.

Enough with all the prep work! I feel like we are trying to paint a room and have been taking FOR FUCKING EVER to decide on the color of paint…what kind of paint…ok we decided on the type of paint and a color…but maybe the weather isn’t right so we need to postpone until the rain stops…ok in the mean time we have prepped and washes all the walls…taped and retaped all the trim…ok the friggin tarp is on the friggin carpet…wait it has not stopped raining yet- but it will soon. Very. Very. Soon. The room is so beyond ready.

Am I really comparing sperm to paint? Just roll with it people.

Mother’s Day Shmother’s Day May 12, 2006

I don’t like Mother’s Day anymore.

I know that it is not homophobic that we have “Mother’s Day” instead of two Sundays in a row that are Mother’s Day A and Mother’s Day B, where lesbian moms still get to feel pampered and special. I mean, we really are sharing a role. We are both mothers. Most of the time that is the greatest thing ever, but on Mother’s Day I feel weird about it. It is as if we don’t get the proper differentiation. The specialness that comes from being the mom, or the dad.

And really, folks, I don;’t think this is a semantic issue. Neither S nor I get to be the mom and all that it means archetypally, culturally, spiritually. There are two of us. And we share our role. Sharing is great. And I love that LM has two moms, I mean how lucky is he? But sometimes when you share a role, or a job or anything, the burden is lessened, but you don’t get all the credit either. Am I making any sense???

I am assuming that most two mom households are brimming with “we are both mothers” joy, and please brim away! We are feelin’ a little less than abundant these days. One of my best friends just found out she’s pregnant! And I cannot begrudge her AT ALL, because I love her, but also becuase I helped her deliver her dead 22 week old baby on New Years day. So I am very happy she’s pregnant. I’m just sad that we are not.

And back to Mother’s Day: throw in S’s mom, my mom and my grandma, who all must be “celebrated,” and we may have to split up (S to her moms and me to my moms) well, it’s enough to make me hate the whole g-damn day.

P.S. I am though, so grateful to be a mom that I tear up at the mere thought. It is more beautiful and challenging than I ever imagined.

I Can’t Think of a Good Title May 9, 2006

May is getting slightly better. I have two interviews this week. I suppose it is a good thing, but both pay like shit and are a 45 minute commute from my home. Oh well. At least I have some interviews. It is hard though, to switch to a professional mindset when my life has been about poop, boobs, and clapping “yay” for two years.

On the sperm front: PKD leaves in a week to get The Wife and pack her up to drive out here for good. They arrive on the 24th of May and should have a decision in a few weeks.

WHATEVER.

No, really I am happy that we will be decided within the month. To their credit, they are determined to try to make a decision as quickly as possible once she is out here.

S and I are going to register at the “bank” and be ready to move on if (I’m kinda assuming when) we get the big PKD “N-O”. The Wife and I have been emailing of late. I really do like her.

Anyhoo…It feels good to have taken some time off from TTC and the plan is to remain calm.

Shhhhhhh. Don’t tell me it is impossible. Let me retain some hope, albeit unrealistic, that we can have some calmness and non-obsessive joy while TTC.

May Sucks May 4, 2006

One of my best friends is kinda neurotic, but funny and smart and I totally love her. So we are talking yesterday and she says:

I have a little thought, not a big though but a little thought, ready?

Yes.

What about [my husband]?

Another sperm offer! Another sperm opportunity that won’t work!

There are many reasons it won’t work, but it is always nice to have options. I don’t know why it feels like an automatic no, but it just does. They are too close, and our kids would be connected to theirs, and it just isn’t right, in our gut. Ya know?

BTW I am feeling sooooooooo over waiting for The Wife. I mean seriously. What if she even says yes. At this point I’m gonna be scared she’ll freak out later. Oh, I hate TTC.

HATE IT.

I just want a baby. A sibling for LM. A lovely little screaming thing that will suck all the remaining time and love and energy I have left. Do I sound bitter?

Here are the other reasons why I am feeling like shit:

1. S’s job is a bit shakey (the company has yet to get a new gig, and funding runs out in June.)
2. I don’t have a job.
3. I am in a fight that is not being talked about and can’t really be talked about (for various complex reasons I won’t go into) with my best friend (we have been having issues for a while and she may be not my best friend anymore).
4. My house is a mess
5. All of this is making me feel stressed and insecure, thusly all of my past insecurities are surfacing (you know the stuff: no one likes me, I’m ugly, no one will hire me, we will never have another baby, someone will die, we will loose our home).

It is loads of fun in the Charlotte and S household. But someone did offer us sperm, becuase they want to help us have a baby. Which is nice.

But May still sucks.

The end.