ttc (in the lower case) April 27, 2006

Update: I am so not obsessed that I can blog about ttc!! Boy that no TTC talk made me so fucking boring…except the food blog is really good for me.

There is nothing like someone moving from your sperm donor, to maybe not your sperm donor to really highlight the flaws. Talk about clay feet**.

I won’t go into the flaw details…but let’s just say they exist. We had not heard from The Wife for a bit, but she emailed me recently and we had a pleasant exchange. I swing back and forth on any given day regarding what the result of this drama will be. This process has absolutely made me feel less attached to this PKD and whatever happens I believe I will ultimately be happier with the result. If they say yes, I will be relieved and happy (that’s the truth), and if they say no I will be disappointed, but…

…but I experienced a solid, good, strong “yes” go to a maybe…so I know deeply now that whatever we or anyone agrees to with a KD, it can change, it can get weird, things can go South. You are dealing with people and feelings forever. A KD is still my first choice, this PKD is still my firstest choice, but the Froyo is now a close second. Previously it was a 3rd runner up, and 3 people need to die or be maimed for said contestant to wear the crown. So it’s a relief to have a viable runner up, and a beauty queen with some bona fide clay feet.

**Feet of clay means ‘a weakness or hidden flaw in the character of a greatly admired or respected person’.

The phrase is from the Bible (Daniel 2: 31-40). King Nebuchadnezzar has a dream. The image that appears to him has a head of gold, breast and arms of silver, belly and thighs of brass, and legs of iron. The feet of this image are made of iron and clay. A stone hits the feet and the whole image breaks into pieces.

My Little Monster April 25, 2006

LM talks. He is 19 months old and talks a great deal for his age (have anything to do with one mommy being a therapist?)

He now puts words together, in sentences. But mostly he puts two words together, to come up with such phrases as “mama, fun” or his regarding his friend Eli “Eli, happy”. He also says “fart” when you do one. He copies my “alrighty.” He also mimics the way I say fuck under my breath “fuuuuck“, which is lovely.

I love his language. I love it when he talks so much that I can barely listen to him sometimes.

Oh, and he started getting obsessed recently with underwear…”undies.” He doesn’t want us to put on our pants he just wants to talk about our undies. So we got him some (little biti man underwear with dogs and bones on them). He wears them!! And he tells us when he needs to pee, but not always. I desperately want to post a pic of this but don’t dare, unfortunately, because of all the weirdos in the world. So please just imagine it. Imagine the cuteness and the strutting involved.

IRL… April 24, 2006

Sunday I met my first fellow blogger in the flesh. Lo and Co were in my State and even neighborhood this weekend, so we all (S, LM, Co, Lo and myself) met in the park and went for a walk! It is nice to know that y’all are real people with actual faces and VOICES. It is always strange to hear someone’s voice who you have only known in written form. Anyhoo, we had a lovely time. Co and I did not get a chance to discuss our food blog though, because of course we talked about babies and LM and TTC. So Co, I can’t wait to hear more about all of your fab cooking.

The Food Blog April 20, 2006

I will still post here. I swear. About my life. But my newest project is doing a food blog with Sacha and Co. Yay. A new outlet for me blog energy.

But I need a little mini TTC rant. Now that our PKD is a maybe, we have had to tell every-friggin-body in our lives, and it sucks ass. Ok one sentence is all I am allowed.

OK one more: I know people mean well, but I get frustrated when there is an assumtion that we have not thought of everything, of every possible option like a billion times.

The Days of the Dead April 14, 2006

This is a photo I took at a Dias de los Muertos market in Mexico last year.

I have family in Mexico.

(I’m trying to see if I can blog about other stuff.)

I think I will so a series on this celebration/holiday/ritual, because it is about death…and could not be further from baby blogging.

This is the opposite of birth, and is quite beautiful…it is about family and love and mourning, and it just feels appropriate.

Some Peace is Temporarily Restored to Our Village April 13, 2006

We feel better.

The break is actually happening, in real life instead of hypothetically.

I am less obsessed with TTC. Each day more TTC-ness gets chipped away. Fewer thoughts about it, less stress about PKD. He is coming over tonight for dinner, and I didn’t clean as well.
There is no salad course.

It is a bit sad but I do feel like:

‘dude, if you are maybe not giving us your sperm, maybe I won’t make you poached pears with whipped cream…maybe you just get a bakery cinnamon bun that I put in the toaster over…or maybe you get no friggin dessert at all’.

This was a real thought. And really I have no dessert planned. ‘F’ him.

Hah! I am such a nutter. Anyhoo, I’m feeling like there is some hope and using this donor is not the only way we can have a great baby. Phew.

P.S. Um, remind me of all this relaxedness when they actually say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ in a few months…because we all know that the sup sup crying will return, either for joy or sadness.

P.P.S. We’ll see about the blogging thing, if I can do it whilst remaining less stressed and less obssessed, I will continue. If not I’ll stop for a month and return when I am able to regulate myself. Jeebus, it sounds like I’m a blogging alcoholic.

We Need a Break April 10, 2006

**Before I get started I wanted to say: for a bit of fun go to www.google.com - type: failure - click on “I’m Feeling Lucky” tab. Hah!**

OK folks, here’s the sad scoop:

KD came over last night to do a conference call with us and The Wife.

Their answer is…maybe.
They need more time.

They need to wait until she comes (5 1/2 weeks away) to make a final decision. She apologized for the change from ‘yes’ to ‘maybe’, but they are trying to figure out what is best for their family and ours. The Wife has been confused, stressed trying to finish school, stressed about moving, stressed about being so far from her husband, stressed about donorship. She is having trouble separating out her feelings. She has been feeling really possessive of his sperm and sad that the 1st genetic baby of his will not be hers.

I want to be mad at her but truly, I would be feeling the same feelings. And she wants to talk to some other folks who have donated, be able to talk to her husband regularly. She can’t tell if her other life stressors are being transfered onto the donorship issue. When she gets here she’s into going to a few sessions with a counselor with us, someone who has dealt with this issue. You gotta give it to her, she isn’t giving up.

It all makes perfect sense, really.

But for S. and I, well, we are beyond disappointed. And there is more waiting. I can barely stand it. Part of me wants to go running to the sperm bank, but we can’t even afford to do that right now, even if we want to. Plus, we are hearty folk. I think we will end up sticking it out with PKD (sadly, the P must return), and seeing what happens. Who knows.

So our big decision is: WE ARE TAKING A BREAK.

We are taking a month off of making any baby decisions, we are taking a month off of talking about it all the time, we are taking a month off of stressing out about it all the time.

I’m not sure what this means in terms of blogging. I think I may need to take a break from the computer as well. Maybe take an Aikido class, or pottery, have some sex, make some lasagne. Maybe I can blog about other stuff. We’ll see.

We so desperately need a break. We need to reconnect with each other. We need to reconnect with LM and spend some time enjoying the family we already are.

I am attempting not to spend the day crying.

HELP! HELP! CODE GAY. April 8, 2006

I know that others have posted this request, I believe to no avail. But I will try again. Our KD is searching for info and support for him and his wife, to normalize their feelings, to help them discuss and distill the important issues. They have “Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates,” but this book is not from the donors perspective.

As more and more families are created this way, I become more and more frustrated by the lack of information and support. Must I write a book myself?? I’m seriously thinking about it.

Why oh why doesn’t a book or even a friggin article exist?

Where can KD and The Wife go for support? Any help would be so appreciated. It may even influence their decision.

If anyone has written an article or even a few pages about this, or even if your story (including the donor perspective and feelings both the scary, doubtful and the altruistic happy ones) is written down somewhere…point me to it! Email it to me!

I think The Wife is having fears and what about our babies, and will we be too close, this freaks me out, what will our kids call their kids, OMG someone else will use my husband’s sperm kind of feelings. I am assuming this, or course, because it is how I would feel. I think they need to know this is normal, and I think they need to hear other people’s stories, not just the good parts, but the whole process. How are donors and their partners okay with this crazy stuff? How is it difficult, scary, wonderful? This need not come from a KD, but at least include some of KD/KD’s partner’s issues.

KD has been searching online to no avail.

So I ask you, by blogging friends, and lurkers…HELP!!

Really. Thank you.

Falling April 7, 2006

S. was going to take care of LM this morning, so I could pick up her brother at the airport. It was supposed to be a special morning for the two of them. I left them sleeping together in bed…S. cuddling him up on one side, his big stuffed monkey on the other.

But he woke up crying for me. Then, within 20 minutes he fell down our stairs and cut the inside of his lip. Crying and bleeding from the mouth ensued. Eventually she took him to the emergency room. Three hours later we found out, of course, that he’s gonna be just fine. He’s ok, apparently it is common to tear the flap of skin connecting your inside lip to your gums. There is still a small flap of skin hanging over his teeth, and he’s all swolen. Jeebus.

Just makes you grateful, ya know?

And KD came over for our regular Thursday dinner last night.

I just want this to be over.

We discussed the possibility that The Wife will need to move here and settle in before everything is OK. But they have a phone appointment for this weekend.. so we’ll see. I am just so exhausted. I am extra upset because I let myself really relax into the ‘yes’ decision. It was such a solid yes. Now it is an ‘I don’t know’, I think. And I don’t know how much patience or positivity I have left.

As M. commented on my last post, another way to look at this is that we are making a parental sacrifice now to go through all this crazy known donor stuff so that both of our kids can know their other genetic half.

Sometimes I feel very clear that everything will be ok, that The Wife needs time, and we can wait. I can even believe that if she says no, that will be ok too. I feel very un-dramatic, and very zen. Then comes the fear, doubt, anger, exhaustion, pessimism. And it makes me sick.

Today, it is still worth it. Tomorrow…we’ll see.

Why Are We Still Here? April 5, 2006

The comments on my previous blog indicate that many folks are following this ‘drama’ and are very glad they do not have a KD. No KD = less complicated, for sure.

We have chosen a KD route that is not only complicated because it is a known person, but we have chosen someone close to us, which further complicates everything. We know this.

Initially we did not want to use someone close to us, for the very reasons which we are experiencing now. Jealousy. Hurt feelings. Weirdness.

So why are we not pulling out (ha ha)? Why don’t we just walk away?

An intense sense of connection and rightness remain.

And he is a f*cking great donor. Perfect health, charming, great looking, warm, kind, the most incredible voice I have ever heard (seriously), generous, smart as a whip, hysterically funny, emotionally mature (although he sometimes has trouble anticipating other people’s needs, eh hem). But if you tell him what you need, he is RIGHT there.

Unfortunately we still feel that he is the right person, or believe me we would walk. Leaving is definitely still an option for us though. If The Wife does not get her act together, and become very clear and okay with everything, we are gone.

We just don’t know how long we are willing to wait. I can be patient. Hah. I mean I will try to become a different person so I can muster an two millimeters of patience.

I desperately hope that very soon I will write a post about the restoration of order and happiness in our village.

Oh, and in a shout out to Sacha at Babycakes: I made KD some heart shaped chocolate chip banana bread muffins, and sent them off to work with S.
HUGE success. If I had done it when I had a crush on him he may have loved me back. So bake away for BF. Absolutely.