Sperm Poll March 31, 2006

Just curious about some stuff.

Frozen Sperm Folks:
How many of you use ICIs vs. IUI (for those of you who don’t know what that is, it refers to whether your frozen sperm is meant for vaginal insemination, or intrauterine insemination – which a doc or midwife must do) ?
How many tries did it take (pregnancy achieved) or what attempt # are you on?
Were you stressed out (I know it’s relative) when you conceived, if you did?

And for the fresh sperm users…the following questions:

Do/did you travel to your KD, or him to you?
Did you use a children’s medicine syringe (or similar thingie)?
Orgasm or not (generally)?
How many insems per cycle?
How many tries did it take (pregnancy achieved) or what attempt # are you on?
Were you stressed out (I know it’s relative) when you conceived, if you did?

The Nicest Thing Anyone Has Ever Done for Me March 30, 2006

S.’s sister in law -SIL- (S.’s brother’s wife – the one who donated to me to have LM) was in a lesbian relationship for 6 years before she met S’s brother (B). S. and I were going to get married in a few months when SIL and B got engaged.

Here comes the kindest act in the whole world. Without us asking for it (which would not even have occurred to us in a bazillion years) SIL told us they were delaying their engagement news to the whole family until after our wedding. At her request.

I burst into tears when she told us their reason: lesbian relationships are already so undervalued and undermined, that she did not want to take any energy away from our “wedding” with the announcement of a hetero-wedding-to-be, which would have all of the legitimacy and privileges (legally and socially) which ours would not.

I cannot even describe my feelings in that moment. It was an incredible gift. A gift that was difficult to accept. Our relationship has never been so honored. By anyone. Ever.

They waited months, months before telling ANYONE that they were engaged. For us. To make sure our wedding was seen. To make sure we were seen. To help us feel important and special and loved in a world that finds us abhorent and immoral.

I share this as a testament to the fact that beautiful, selfless, extraordinary acts exist in the world. And sometimes we need somone to stand up for us when we didn’t even know we needed it.

The Wife (KD’s) Kicks Ass March 28, 2006

Oh, BTW The Wife and I have been emailing. She is so f*cking great. Funny. Insightful. I told her how I was feeling and she just completely understands and is bursting with excitment to move here, for us to get started on baby makin’, to get to know us better.

I told her exactly when S. is ovulating in June and was trying to play it cool, like we can start that ovulation if you are feeling settled enough, but no pressure. What’s her response?

She says I can’t wait to move out there so we can get started, and if it works the 1st try you guys will have a March baby…how exciting. Is this chick for real? She did her own due date calcualtions! And it’s not freaky. I heart her.

Don’t worry there is no impending crush on her…wouldn’t that just round it all out. Ha ha.

Filters March 27, 2006

I finally told (well, emailed) KD about the left-out-ness. Like an adult!

We had a nice exchange, encouraging each other to de-chicken (be honest, vulnerable, fearless) in our developing friendship. I wanted this, but it felt unsatisfying still.

What is interesting is that nothing can really sate me when I am coming from an insecure place. I think I am still having some fears and left-out-ness about the baby (not being related, etc.), but I have no control over that so I am focusing on whether or not he and I email, or how he said hi to me yesterday.

My goal for the week is to allow some of the core baby feelings space to bubble up if they need to and have some friggin’ trust that my relationship with KD will evolve into something comfortable and good and better than I can imagine now.

In the past I did not feel like I had much choice about how I felt. My emotions became me. Nowadays I have some choices. Like I can choose to put everything KD says or does (and this could apply to anyone) through my “I am not lovable, no one likes me anyway” filter. When I do this it is surprising how small things like length of time to respond to an email, or how one says hello, can turn into “that person clearly hates me”.

Y’all know what I’m talking about.
Your wife or husband says “I love you”
You say “no you don’t ((sob)) you burnt my toast yesterday (sup, sup) clearly you don’t care that I like my toast lightly toasted…you don’t know me at all.”

Well, on a souped up PMS day this may still be my MO, but it is a terrible way to live your life.

F*ck low self esteem.

What fascinates me though is that I can feel this place where I have a choice to use the filter or not. When faced with the choice to shed it I may choose NOT to. Seemingly this makes no sense, but when you spend your whole life acting/feeling/being a certain way it becomes comfortable. And comfortable is hard to give up, even if it feels like shit.

Not Popular March 25, 2006

I was never popular. Ever. I was the too tall dork. I was beautiful, but no one wanted to date me. I had crushes on the female friends I did have. My social skills were not great. Not a pretty picture. So when I feel left out as an adult, it ZOOMS me back to grades 4th through 12th. [In college I came to see that eating alone was cool, that being tall was cool, that people really could love me for me. ]

Anyhoo, as I have blogged about, I have been feeling super left out with KD. I think S. was having some trouble understanding exactly how I felt. I mean she understood, but couldn’t quite put herself in my position (also she is not jealous, possessive or competitive like me – thank the heavens). Finally after many talks, she got it. Really got it. And she was like ‘wow, that sucks – and if the situation was reversed I would want you to talk to him for me.’

Um, yeah. So she did. And he felt really bad, said he likes me a lot, and is thinking of ways that they can make me feel more included. So one would imagine that I would feel better, right?

Clearly one does not know me very well. Before feeling good, I of course have to complain and be miserable and it has to be not good enough. Hah. I am a joy, I tell ya.

I was mad because he did not say those things to me (semi-valid), and because he still doesn’t really “get me” (yeah, but who does besides S.?), and because I am just insecure and pathetic and I need tons of validation all the time.

But then I saw him today and he made a big effort to ask when we would all hang out and was really nice and smiley and adorable. And he made a comment about emailing something to S. then corrected himself and said, I’ll email it to both of you. Small gestures, but I can tell he is trying, and that my feelings are important to him.

I swear that these experiences as an adult really can heal my inner 6th grader if I let them.

If I let it in. If I allow for the possibility that people really do love me, that it is ok to ask for what I need, that it is ok to receive it after I ask for it (it is not then tainted just because I asked for it). Maybe I deserve to be alive and happy, surrounded by people who care about my feelings.

Wait, I take it back. No I mean it.

Spring: Photo Friday March 24, 2006

Here is LM’s sandbox, peeking open.

“HELLO!?! Come play with me in the balmy breezes of spring.”

And my japanese maples are sprouting. Oh spring.

The New Digs March 24, 2006

What do you think?? I am once again shirking my homemaker duties in favor of messing with my blog.

Better than the dots?

Be honest, people…I’m not one for sugar coating.
.

IT SLEEEEEEEPS March 24, 2006

My little beastie slep 9 hours straight the last two nights.

That’s right people. NINE HOURS.

We did a modified cry it out thing, and instead of taking him to our bed when he does his between 11 and midnight screaming, we left him to sleep in his own little crib. And he did.

Night one: S. got up (and had to go downstairs*) 9 times.
Night two: S. got up (and had to go downstairs*) 10 times
Night three: HE SLEPT 9 HOURS STRAIGHT – woke up at 6am
Night four: HE SLEPT 9 HOURS STRAIGHT – woke up at 7am

*S. had to go because I wanted to do the full on cry it out. So whatev lady, if you want to go running downstairs 1,000 times a night go for it. But it worked so I can’t complain.

I am a person again. I mean, I did not sleep for 9 hours straight, because I go to bed later than him, but it will happen. I have hope. I have sleep hope. SLEEP HOPE. I have not had any sleep OR any sleep hope in 2 years.

Now if we don’t have sex it is due to the general exhaustion of parenthood and lesbian bed death, not due to our toddler kicking S. and sucking on my boobs all night.

I’m doin’ a jig!

Happiness March 23, 2006

Calliope’s recent post has me wondering about why we don’t believe we deserve goodness.

Sometimes when I am feeling incredible lucky and happy and full of abundance and life, I start having fantasies (like a lucid dream) of S. dying and what I would say at her funeral. I always start to cry, in real life. Sometimes she dies in an auto crash, suddenly, sometimes from a long and painful illness. Always I am left alone to wonder whether or not I can survive. And certainly I will never find love like this again. Ever.

Then I remain devastated, sad and in a terrible mood for a long time. Like Carmen on the L Word, when she dreamt that Shane cheated on her and was subsequently pissed for days even though it did not really happen.

It is very strange. Like my psyche will not allow me to be unabashedly happy.

Sadly, I live my life with this secret dread. I can hardly bear to think of her death, or my son’s. But the fear haunts me, always present in the background. Waiting for me to make a deserving mistake. Or waiting for me to really let go, to unabashedly bask in the joy of my life and my loves.

So that is it right there. I keep the fears close, so that I am not caught off guard. If I let go then I will be surprised.

Sadly, I live my life with this secret dread.

Evil v. Honest March 22, 2006

***I am 58% Evil***

Here is my message from the quiz How Evil are You?

You are evil, but you haven’t yet mastered the dark side.
Fear not though – you are on your way to world domination.

But people, I’m not evil just honest.

I or so I would like to think. Jebus. 58%.