Not Quite a Snag February 28, 2006

I just took a walk with The Boss (KD) and S. Turns out that his wife is ‘fine with it’ but needs to meet with us and still talk some things through. So she has not said a firm ‘yes’ yet. I thought all was absolutely a-ok, so this feels like a minor snag. Also, this crush thing is still happening FULL FORCE. Just hanging out with him for 10 minutes gets me all butterflies and flustered. And I get all inarticulate and dumb. He must think I’m a huge lame-o. I just want it to work, so badly. And he’s so hot. Anyway…enough about my hot PKD. He must be changed back temporarily to PKD until we meet with the wife.

And THANK YOU, for all of your supportive comments. I feel the love. And I feel like way less of a freak. So thank you. Truly. Deeply.

Oh, and in “Mommies Daddies Donor Surrogates”, the author dedicated like 20 pages to the issue of sexual attraction to the ‘birth other’. People have sexual fantasies about them, daydreams about them (both with known and anon donors and surrogates). Apparently it is a documented thing that the human psyche has difficulty separating sex from procreation, both psychologically and biologically. I will do a whole post about it another time. Again, thank f-ing god. In addition to all your support, the book made me feel so much better.

Also I have been and can still be attracted to men, so this did not freak me out in terms of sexual orientation. It was the strength, and the obsessive and very sexual nature of this crush on such a seemingly inappropriate person that had be believing I was a nutter.

I have also discovered that I put a great deal of obsessive energy into finding us some sperm, and now that we found it, I have free floating obsessive energy that is directing itself toward PKD. I would love to calm some of this osessive energy. It serves me well at times, but also feels very destructive and uncomfortable. I’m just so g-damn intense sometimes. I wish I was a mellow person. Any suggestions or are all of you livin’ with me in the home for obsessive kooks?

Can I Even Tell You This? February 27, 2006

(First off, this is not the news Calliope is reffering to…the news is that we have a great new KD…see previous posts).

I feel very conflicted about posting this because thus far I have heard no one speak of it. The truth is I have developed a big fat crush on our donor. And it is not a friend crush. It is an actual sexual, he gives me butterflies, I think about him all the time crush. And I don’t get crushes like this. This does not happen to me. Turns out it is not really a crush per se, but we’ll get to that later.

I spent the weekend thinking I had gone mad. Truly. I also spent the weekend feeling like I was a horrible person. Then I spoke to a dear friend of mine, who I can tell anything to, and she suggested that my feelings seem quite normal. Really??? Thank god.

I have come to understand that symbolically he is me. He is my virility, so to speak….my penis because I don’t have one.

I see now that this ‘crush’ ultimately feels metaphorical. My lovely friend pointed out that making babies is sexual. Undeniably. I wonder if I am making myself clear here. I have come to understand that this crush is really not about him at all, but about him as a symbol of me getting S. pregnant. And in some deep part of my brain, baby making is a sexual act.

In a strange way it feels ok to feel this because it happened simultaneously with this ‘right’ feeling about him being our donor. I never for a single instant felt this about any other PKD. Never. I also do not feel threatened in any way about his future relationship with our children. I don’t feel scared about him loving the child. With all the other donors this terrified me, even the fireman. Even with frozen sperm this felt scary, it’s just that the scary was put off for 18 years until his identity was released.

It has always been funny to my therapist that I am so utterly shocked that I actually have an unconscious. I try so hard to always be clear, on top of things, introspective, etc. So when something like this happens that feels totally beyond my control, and at the time makes no sense, I completely freak out. I knew for sure that this issue was my unconscious, my psyche if you will, working out some complex and deep feelings, when I was explaining all of this to S. (thank god BTW that we can speak of such things with ease and trust.) So I am telling her about the sexual nature of this and I burst into tears. All of a sudden I felt overwhelmed with sadness, that I cannot make love to her. I cannot have an orgasm and make her pregnant. I cannot have sex with her to make a baby. I cannot. So I cried. And cried. And cried. I told her I wished that I could. I thought I had dealt with these feelings in a very clear and rational manner. Apparently not.

So here is this beautiful man who can get her pregnant. He will help us have our child, and it feels intimate, and sexual to me somehow. It feels sacred. But thank god I am not a sex crazed, swinger person (not that there is anything wrong with folks who swing, if that’s your thing). I really thought I was a crazy person for a few hours.

Apparently, according to my friend, I should be extra nice to myself, have lots of sex with S. and look at some of the underlying issues that this ‘crush’ tapped into.

So there. The most embarrassing and vulnerable post, ever.

Lucky PKD #3 February 24, 2006

S. talked with KD again (any ideas on a name for him?).

Yay!! He is our KD, not our PKD.
Turns out he wanted to offer to be our donor back when S. told him about how attached and complicated discussions were with PKD#1 (Mr. Gay Sperm Man). But he didn’t know if it would be too weird to offer. He talked to his wife again and they are on board, it seems, although there is much to talk about.

I am very skeptical and not prone to enumerating ‘coincidences.’ However, there are many here which I won’t list, except that his first name is what I always wished my name was, and have even used on occasion.

PKD #3 is the lucky KD. Feels like we won the lottery.

To recap from an earlier post he is: super smart, funny, tall, compassionate, interesting, lovely, great looking, beautiful voice, snappy dresser, kind, straight forward, very authentic, alternative minded, sensitive, and he has self esteem. I actually have a small crush on him. I’m all butterflies when I think about him, it certainly feels like a crush. Is that strange? Am I a crazy freako? S. also admitted that she’s a little attracted to him (um, and that never happens because she is soooooo GAY.) Just a little. Sometimes when he talks I can’t pay attention to what he is saying because he has such a beautiful voice. What kind of crazy lesbos are we?

I have not photographed my embarrassing shoes because I cannot focus on anything else. But I will.

Thank you for all of your support and encouragement during our eventful, odd and ever changing search for sperm.

Stay Tuned… February 24, 2006

THE WIFE IS OK WITH IT.

Just take a second people, to digest this information and all that it implies.

AGAIN, MR. BOSS TALKED TO HIS WIFE ABOUT IT AND SHE FEELS OK ABOUT HIM BEING OUR DONOR. SHE HAS SOME CONCERNS AND QUESTIONS (of course). Concern list is: we all have not known each other long (true), what about their future children later (valid concern), they work together (VERY valid concern). Other than that she sees no problem with it. She is coming to town in a few weeks for his birthday. AND WE WILL ALL SIT DOWN AND TALK ABOUT IT THEN! OMG.

I NEED TO CAPITALIZE THIS ENTIRE POST BECAUSE I AM COMPLETELY FREAKING OUT. I FEEL LIKE JUMPING UP AND DOWN AND SCREAMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I CAN’T STOP SMILING. THIS MAN IS SO F*UCKING COOL. ..AND APPARENTLY HIS WIFE IS TOO.

I KNOW I SHOULD PROBABLY REIGN IT IN BUT I CAN’T . I TOTALLY CAN’T. MR BOSS AND S. TALKED ABOUT HOW IT WOULD BE IN THEIR OFFICE, THAT THEY COULD NOT TELL ANYONE ETC., AND THAT THEY WOULD NEED TO HAVE GOOD COMMUNICATION ETC.

IS THIS TOO WEIRD???????? EVEN IF IT IS IT FEELS RIGHT.

RIGHT.

THAT’S WHAT Y’ALL SAID YOU FELT WITH YOUR KDs. YOU SAID IT FELT RIGHT. THIS FEELS RIGHT.

I KNOW THERE ARE A MILLION HURDLES HERE, SOMEONE CHANGING THEIR MIND, BAD SWIMMERS, S. HAVING FERTTILITY ISSUES, MISSCARRIAGE. BUT I CAN’T STOP SMILING. I CAN’T STOP THINKING THAT THIS GREAT GUY IS GOING TO HELP US HAVE OUR NEXT BABY AND IT FEELS RIGHT.

I want so badly to (I am now crying) feel like I am a part of this baby, and this donor makes me feel so well represented. I feel like he is using his sperm in my stead, and this baby will be my baby.

This is the part of the soap opera where the protagonist weeps with joy. Cue the crying.

Stay tuned. See what happens next week on….How the Sperm World Turns.

OMG The Boss CONTINUED February 24, 2006

Please see previous post for Mr. Boss the new, but slim chance PKD story.

S. and The Boss talked on the way home last night and S. brought it up again! Totally shocking….she is very shy. So she says it really freaked me out when you said that Charlotte looks like your sister and aunt. And they talk for a while about it. He says ‘I would be your donor if it you needed me to, and if it was okay with my wife.’ OMG. OMG. Oh, the wife.

Mr. Boss and his wife decided not to have children, except that TWO WEEKS AGO she gets this overwhelming terror feeling that she must have children right away. Mr. Boss is still absorbing the idea, and adjusting to having a child. So they are still talking about it. What bad timing. S. and Mr. Boss joked about how would he tell his wife ‘yeah maybe I don’t want kids with you but I will give my sperm to another couple so they can have a child, who will be related to me.’

This situation is fraught with roadblocks.

1. he is her boss and would be present at work while she is pregnant (actually though, I think she and he could work this out)
2. would he agree? (yes, apparently he would)
3. would his wife agree? (why would she? when she want kids with him desperately right now?)
4. currently the wife is finishing her masters degree in another state (they have been living apart for 6 months, and she moves back here in May). This means they cannot have big heartfelt person to person discussions right now.
5. I feel like we couldn’t possibly get this lucky, and too many unknowns need to align, so I don’t want to get my hopes up. But my hopes are already up. And so is a pessimistic sense of dread – of course this won’t work out.

I could not imagine a person who I would want more to genetically, physically, spiritually, emotionally represent me with S. He truly could not be a better match. I really want S. to tell him why we want to use him, and how great we think he is as a donor match. Because if he says no (probably) I want him to say no to our heartfelt request, not to a casual idea, as if we are just thinking ‘that would be cool.’

Oh, I am so freaking out still. I can’t concentrate on anything.

Jeez, I feel like a sperm soap opera lately.

OMG The Boss February 24, 2006

I will begin by saying that it will probably never work. I am getting my hopes up about something that will never happen for many reasons, but I can’t help it.

I want S.’s boss to be our donor. He is not the usual type of boss. He is cool. And he is smart, funny, tall, compassionate, interesting, lovely, great looking, beautiful voice, snappy dresser, kind, straight forward, very authentic, alternative minded, sensitive, and he has self esteem. He could not be more perfect.

S. and I have joked that he would make a great donor. But hello, he is her boss’s boss. So anyhoo S. and he had dinner tonight (becuase they do that, and talk about feelings and hopes and dreams – how adorable – S. always makes friends with guys – ok I digress).

SO they came back to our house afterwards and we all talked until 1 am!! At one point while showing him pics of our wedding he said, ‘holy crap you look like my aunt, more than that, you look like my sister – what a trip. ‘

So I said ‘too bad you can’t be our sperm donor.’
And he said ‘yeah, too bad, well actually I could but I would have to run it by my wife first.’
I got so nervous and shaky that I immediately diverted us back to the pictures. But my heart was racing. Ladies, my heart was racing.

I think this must be how it feels with a PKD who you really like, and who feels super right. I know that for many reasons this will not happen, but I am reeling. I feel butterflies. I can’t sleep. I mean, he is totally a great match. I even look like his family members. But that has little to do with my interest in using him…surprisingly. We just have chemistry with him and he is so smart, and so empathetic and blunt, and great.

But what does this mean??? He is not a guy to say something like that lightly. I don’t think he was joking. I wish I had the nerve to clarify it at the time because now revisiting it seems hard. And he is working VERY long hours and has little free time so we can’t just ask him to dinner this weekend. Would an email or letter be weird. OMG. OMG. I feel like I was just on a sperm date, and no other PKD has ever made me feel giddy with the thought of using him as the donor. No PKD has ever made me feel desirous of his sperm. I have never liked any of our PKDs like this.

I am not even spell checking this because it is f-ing 1 am and I need to go to bed. S. is taking him home. I am just freaking out. This will make using the frozen swimmers really hard. HELP!!!!!!!

And the Decision is……………………….. February 22, 2006

FROZEN.

Unless a new tall, dark and handsome KD comes riding up on a white horse (and after the fireman’s wife offered his sperm in a clothing store, I’m not ruling out the possibility) we are goin’ to the bank. And thank you all for saying that my desire for the donor to look like me is important rather than shallow. Your affirmations here were very needed.

Damn. I really wanted a KD to work…and the Fireman situation would have been such a great story!! I hope he donates to another couple because he will make a fab KD. If any of you lesbians are in Northern California and need a great donor, let me know. I am just mourning the idea of another great KD situation. Which may exist in the world for us, but does not exist now. And hey, we already have one great KD for LM.

I am relieved and sad. And excited.

S. ovulates in 25 days. If we can come up with the cash, we’re gonna go get us some frozen sperm from a great donor. The fabulous and kind lesbian donor consultant at the sperm bank, who we will call Flowers, will be our new best friend.

S. and I are so grateful for all of your stories and support. We are sincerely thankful. You have made this decision so much easier. We don’t feel sure, and we are scared, but we feel supported and understood by all of you.

I hope we make a beautiful child with the icy swimmers we choose to represent me.

Finally February 22, 2006

The Fireman is kind. He is loyal, sweet, brave, even tempered. I mean he’s a friggin firefighter. Also, he has the right attitude about donorship. He and his wife love the idea that they are helping lesbians create a family. He has no attachments to being an uncle, and wants to leave any relationship he would have with the child up to us. They asked about how to protect their rights in terms of us suing for child support, etc. (a very good sign). They already have a great son, and the Fireman seems like a great father to him. He is willing to fill out a 20 page questionnaire, and he and his family are in excellent health (grandparents alive in their mid-nineties). And his bisexual, funny, smart wife is on board (obviously, it was her idea).

So what’s the catch, you ask?

He looks NOTHING like me.

Nothing. He’s blonde, blued eyed, shorter than me, fair skinned. And there are zero physical similarities. I have thick lips, his are thin. Our eyebrows are not even the same shape, neither is our face shape, bone structure, or any other feature. And, although he seems smart enough he’s not wry-British-sense-of-humor smart, not A’s in school smart, not – you know – smart smart.

So that’s it. He does not look like me. It feels shallow, but I really want a donor who looks like me. Even if the baby does not look like me. But will that be important once I have a lovable little baby that is mine? Will it matter whether the donor looked like me??

And even though I said that money should not be an important part of our decision, frozen sperm is expensive. And we like the Fireman, but he’s not super good looking, but he is a super duper good person, and has a GREAT personality. But at one point while we were talking I was thinking, EEEEEEEEEW I don’t want to touch your semen. I don’t really want to touch or smell anyone’s semen.

Right now, the frozen sperm seems more appealing…but he’s a FIREMAN. He saves lives for a living, and is strong and healthy and VERY kind and on board with being a great non-attached but available-if-we-want-him-to-be donor.

What the *F* are we supposed to do?

Pessimism Con’t February 21, 2006

You know what makes me mad? Really mad and sad????

When S. and I are walking down the beach with our son between us holding hands, when we are at Costco buying bulk organic frozen meals, when we are having an argument in Starbucks about LM’s naps, when we are sitting together in an Ikea display and I am nursing LM…PEOPLE DON’T ASSUME WE ARE A COUPLE. PEOPLE DON’T ASSUME OUR SON IS BOTH OF OURS. PEOPLE DON’T KNOW WE ARE A FAMILY.

I hardly ever get weird looks, or experience any acts of blatant homophobia in our town. But sometimes I just feel really unseen, and sometimes that hurts just as badly.

More Rescheduling February 21, 2006

The Fireman called to reschedule for tomorrow. Something about his kitchen cabinets needed to be installed today and they had to be home for it. Good reason, I suppose.

I’m just feeling pessimistic about the whole thing. I just want to meet him so we can decide not to use him and move on to the frozen sperm. We’ll see what happens. Even if I like him, he’s blonde! I know that sgould not matter so much tome but it does. I am brown hair, brown eyes, olive skin. I want the baby to reflect me. I know that even if I birthed the baby, or chose a donor who looked just like me the baby could come out as a fair skinned redhead or an albino.

But there is this emotional piece, a part of me that wants so badly for this baby to look like me, have my eyes, share my genes. Especially since LM is related to both of us. I guess I am still just sad that this baby can’t be physically of me. It’s harder than I thought it would be.