ouch May 10, 2008

our lactation consultant said that it would be a good idea for me to do some supplementing (to give S’s poor boobs a break). so i have used S’s pumped milk to supplement littleo a few times. we put her milk in a syringe attached to a tiny tube that is placed in her mouth with my n!pple. OUCH. she’s a naughty little biter. S is thrilled to have me confirm this about our tiny daughter. she is a rascal.

i just stopped breastfeeding our son about a year ago, and we are deciding, i think, to both breastfeed littleo. we were not sure, either of us, if it would feel weird. but it doesn’t. the first time i comfort nursed her, i cried. i can’t describe how strange it felt to have a baby that i was not nursing. only because it was what i did to comfort Smarty for almost 2 1/2 years. so nursing littleo deeply confirmed for me how mine she is. S did not do this with Smarty, but i think she would have if she had nursed previously. it is lovely to have the support of our lactation consultants, and i will only be supplementing her for a week or so and then pumping for for 4-6 weeks so that S can establish a hearty supply. S is surprised by how good it feels to have me helping with the nursing. it is bonding and happy for all of us. so far. we’ll see how it goes.

S and i will each have littleo 2 days per week when S returns to work in a few months so it would be very handy to both have the boob magic…and it will put less pressure on S to pump like crazy while she is working. but nursing hurts in the beginning (hurts like a motherfucker, truly), and i don’t know that i will really have the sticktoitiveness to pump for 4 weeks to build up my supply. because, ouch.

also, i wish that there was not still a small part of me that felt strange about this…partly because we don’t know anyone else who has done it. any advice? support? thoughts?

update: goddammit, i just realized that i might (will?) have to give up my beloved wellbutr!n. nonono. this definitely gives me pause.

(birth story to come, in installments.)
oh, and have you seen “fl!ght of the concords”? funny ass show, that.

eff. these posts are getting randomer and randomer (yes i know that randomer is not a word.) jesus, look at all my crazy parentheses.

bye.

we have kids, plural May 7, 2008

i borrowed a friend’s nice camera and now i WANT it. i need an artsy camera with all kinds of settings i don’t understand. how much is a nice digital SLR? anyone have one hanging around? here is one of my favorite pictures of my kids.

home May 6, 2008

home home home.

home is so fucking great. home with our baby.

so much to post about in the coming days:

1. what it feels like to finally have this baby we worked so hard for
2. the hotel hospital where we stayed
3. the biliruben space alien bed
4. being the not breastfeeding mom
5. how amazing S was, in a long, intense and without drugs, birth (we almost have twinsies birth stories which is weird)
6. littleo’s birthday. she was born on WTF’s babywhodied’s (little charlotte’s) due date. crazy times. i mean, wow.
7. choosing littleo’s name.
8. boobs

thank you to WTF, my lovely technologically challenged (you so are) friend, who posted an update for me on her blog the other day. i will also say that WTF should really post about what the experience was like for her. i can only imagine it was beyond intense for many, many reasons. do it.
oh, and the MIL final episode. that’s coming too.

i am super tired now, but maybe i will have some posting mojo when i’m up in the middle of the night.

i missed you guys! i couldn’t blog at the hotel hospital, dammit, and it was killing me.

honestly May 1, 2008

whose water breaks on the midnight eve of their due date? who? i mean seriously.

we are waiting now, at home, while S moves through early labor. contractions are every 8-10 minutes, sometimes in clusters. fairly painful.

little Smarty has been so sweet…rubbing S’s legs, talking about the baby, asking to hold her. he’s excited to go to the hospital and has been pretending to be a baby in my tummy (along with his lovie, a kangaroo, who is the little baby).

Smarty is out gardening with S. so fucking cute.

and WTF decided to come! her comment on my earlier post made me cry for some reason. i’m just excited, and trying to enjoy this…you know something going right, something happy, something so abundant and lovely that maybe my pessimism can’t touch it.

it couldn’t have been more dramatic May 1, 2008

S’s water broke, at 12:30 am. We were watching tv and she was like oh no, and lept from the couch. i thought she saw a giant spider, but no. she stepped onto our slate living room floor and gushed all over the place. like seriously, a stream of water like in a movie, splatting onto the ground, and you’re like ‘that is so unrealistic’. we went to the hospital for a non stress test. all is good so we are going to try to sleep some tonight. S is having contractions about every ten minutes, but they are still erratic and not super painful.

i will have you know that today, is her due date.

just so you know April 29, 2008

pestering your wife every 30 seconds with hyper questions such as howareyoufeeling? anythinginteresting? areyouhavingcontractions? howareyoureallyfeeling? anthing? isthebabycomingtoday? isthebabycomingtonight? whenisthebabycoming? howareyoufeelingnow? DOESN’T SPEED THINGS ALONG. shocking.

S feels crampy and poopy and tired. she is 1 1/2 cm dilated and her belly is getting ridiculously large, but no baby, no sign that labor is starting any time soon.

the beachhouse April 27, 2008

Earlier this month I spend an ENTIRE weekend with Bri, Wes and Beckett of the Dimples. That baby. So fucking cute. What a happy boy he is. Where do I start? The view? The beach itself? Gossip about Bri?

Bri’s family beach house. Not just any beach house, but one right on the fucking cliff, with granite countertops and an *insane* view of the beach. And a hot tub. And music in the effing bathroom. Like you have a little dial in there and whatever is playing in the stereo (and Bri and Wes have fabulous taste in music) comes to greet you at the volume of your choice when you are showering! Fancy times. We could travel together (our family and theirs including Beck of the Dimples), and that is a gem of a find in friends, or anyone really. No matter how much you like someone you never know if you can spend large amounts of time with them, cook with them, make daily decisions, without getting irritated.

Smarty loved Beckett. He sat next to him, stared at him, gave him toys, refused to share his toys, and talked to him in a gentle voice. Finally on the last day, he let Becket crawl on him.

I will let Bri tell you about my unfuckingbelievable scrabble game. It is the most braggable score I have ever heard of. For realz.

I took pregnancy pics of S yesterday…here is a sneak peek.

pregnancy brain April 26, 2008

as in i have it. i dropped our fucking laptop two days ago and broke the fucking screen. so i am typing this blindly them moving it back and forth in the small part of the screen that is not broken, to proofread. hopefully i can find the publish button.

i am so distracted lately. in a weird altered state waiting for the baby. i made some big mistakes with a client this week (well 2 clients acually), my supervisor was harsh with me, i broke the computer. i’m distracted. forgetting to return  phone calls. spacy. boring.

39 weeks 2 days today. S, as of thursday is 1 1/2 cm dialated. holy crap.

soon? April 20, 2008

S had some cramping last night that was painful and woke her up several times, but nothing today. I feel disconnected blogging about it. In real life I am super excited, even though labor could still be a week or more away. But I don’t know how to bring that intensity into this blog. I feel like I have not involved you all in the day to day of this pregnancy…party because I am not pregnant, partly because I got a job and don’t have as much blogging  energy, and lastly, because I never was able to transform this TTC blog successfully into a pregnancy blog.

I remember how hard it was for me, at times, to look at other people’s belly shots, to comment when they were discussing crib bumpers. It isn’t that I feel guilty about being pregnant. Not quite. No. Right now I greatly enjoy the breastfeeding talk, the sleeping woes, the belly shots…on other people’s blogs. But this blog has always felt like a TTC journal, a place for support during the very shitty journey trying to make this baby. But now I feel sad that I have not blogged more about this part of the journey.

I feel close so CLOSE to attaining this impossible feeling goal, to having this baby, to holding her, finally, smelling her baby head, and I don’t know how to share it on this blog.  Somehow I am not talking to you about how the excitement mixes with fear and it feels like my throat is closing. I’m not blogging about how it felt to tie the bumper to the crib, how I almost cried at the pure joy of it.  I trust that if people need to not read about it, they will skip it. I do. But the intensity of this time doesnt’ come pouring out of me here. I am reluctant. Withholding. Maybe I’m just afraid it will all burn down before my eyes if I blog about the closeness, the delicate ‘almost’ feeling I have in the pit of my stomach every day when we are so close to meeting her. Shoot. I don’t know what I’m saying. I just feel confused, and sad, and I don’t know how to explain it, when really I’m happy. WTF?

I went crazy today April 17, 2008

I am a nesting lunatic. I successfully set up our crib in Smarty’s room and completely rearranged all the furniture, did laundry, decorated, and placed blankets throughout the house (this one is weird). I have been forgetting to take my crazy pills (Wellbutr!n) so I am slightly unpleasant to be around.